Busted!!

Note to self: Don't accidentally leave a link to your blog on your work computer.

I was busted today!

No it was not for something illegal.
I did not cheat on someone (have to be involved to do that).
I was not looking at porn at work.

This morning, while my boss was giving me some work to, he asked me a question.

"JP, Why do you have to have a second job? Don't we pay you enough?"

I turned a noticeable shade of red, as I had now been outed. Instead of lying about or asking how he knew, I just told, him

"That's my fun money. I don't want to waste my hard earned money on the fun things I do. Besides, I only work 4 hours a pop and it's only on the weekends"

Then he surprised me even more when he said.

"And I understand your California trip didn't go as smoothly as you wanted it to. So did you at least get the number to the guy from the car rental place"

He found my blog everyone. Apparently I had somehow left a link to it on my computer and someone found it.

I am so busted!!!

Last week I told Karma that she can stick it and guess what?

She took out on me!

Often in my life, I get really bold and think that I am on top of the world. Early last week, I had the wonderful feeling and that I had the balls to say FU to the world. After reading a blog, I made a comment that I was going to tell Karma to suck it in response to what they wrote. Instead of thinking with my head and being humble, I made a dumb comment and it came back to bite me. HARD!!

During my week at work I decided to make a judgement call on a project that was due out on Thursday. Unfortunately the judgement call was the wrong one and it cost my company a client (actually it was something that was building for a while, and my mistake was the last straw). I'm not talking a small client either, I'm talking a multi-million dollar client, that if we were to get the job done correctly, would of possibly lead to more contracts in the future.

Needless to say, the following morning, my bosses was NOT pleased with me whatsoever. I was honestly shocked that I was not told to pack my belongings and leave the office at that point.

After some heads had cooled and everyone looked at the bigger picture, it was determined that my mistake, while costly, was not a tremendous blow to the company. I would definitely need to make better decisions in the future and to also pay closer attention to the fine details. Trust me for the rest of the day, I made sure to dot my i's, cross my t's, and wipe every part of my ass. I was not missing anything.

That was just the start of the day.

Most of you also know that also have a secondary job as a pizza delivery driver. I call myself the Pizza Delivery Hero and am usually one of the them most praised drivers at the store. Karma really was going to make my day hell, and she decided to send me to the bottom of the heap. For the first time since I have worked there, I made a mistake. Not just one mistake, I ended up making a total of 4.

The first mistake was taking the wrong pizza on a delivery. That is the cardinal sin of the business, and I heard about it big time when I got back. Two times I was late, and the on one order, I forgot a final part of the order and had to come back to get it.

By the time 8pm rolled around, I felt thissmall and seriously needed a drink or two or seven. I opted for seven. I took 2 shot of Petron, 3 shots of Van Gogh vodka, and I 2 large glasses of Blue Moon. All on an empty stomach. So you can imagine I felt pretty crappy by the time my night was over.

So Karma I would like to say.... SUCK THIS. I'm still here Bitch!!

I just hope there is plenty of Petron the next time she attacks.

P.S. for those of you that are wondering.

1. I did not drink while I was on the job. I drive for crying out loud. I'm stupid sometimes, but not that stupid.
2. I did not drive home drunk either. I waited a couple of hours before walking to the parking lot and a friend walked to the car to determine if I was sober enough to drive. (I gave him my keys beforehand just in case)
   

White Trash Award of the Week

This one is an honorary award really, but I think she also deserves it.

This weeks winner is not a normal entry. She has done nothing really crazy to win the award. She hasn't slept with every guy in her trailer park (at least not that I know of). She hasn't let her children stain her furniture with poop (read 8 "paragraph's down). She hasn't had a drugged-drunken episode where she's had sex in the lawn i.e. Christina Ricci in Black Snake Moan. Hell she didn't throw herself at me when I stayed on her comfortable couch when I was on vacation in August.

So why does she deserve the award you ask?

It was for one simple reason.... She used the word "RAD" twice in one week. I have not heard that word since my middle school days (and that was a long time ago). I didn't think anyone used it, but apparently she is still stuck in the late 80's on this one.

So, TABBIE, aka The Ambiguous Blob, aka (insert real name here), you are this week's White Trash Award Winner. Cherish it, love it, take care of it, and don't take it for granted. I know how much you really wanted it.

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Now playing: Wisin & Yandel & John Correa - Como Tu No Hay Nadie
via FoxyTunes

Are You in a Gang?

Why, Yes! Yes I am! A Chinese gang! A Chinese gang for white boys with Chinese tattoos!

I should of expected these types of questions when I decided to finally make the tattoo jump. I just didn't think anyone would be actually stupid enough to ask that question. Guess I was wrong.

They say there are no stupid questions, but seriously, do I even look Chinese?

I'm telling you, our youth are going to be doomed by their lack of common sense.

NEXT Ink!

My NEXT tattoo!

Inked!!

My FIRST tattoo!

Happy Thanksgiving

To all my family, friends, and blogger friends, I want to wish each and everyone of you a Happy Thanksgiving.

Every 4th Thursday of November, we all gather around a table full of food, family, and even friends. Every year, we are thankful for the ones we are with and the people that got us there.

The other day, I had a reminiscing moment, and as I write this bulletin, I feel that feeling again. Not of the air, and the sights and feelings of a day, but what I have to be thankful of. This time, I look back at the people and events that have gotten me through this year. In what started out as a hard year, has turned into one that has to have been the best year of my life. I have met new people, gone to new places and learned things that I might have never known.

So to those that have been there to help me. I give thanks for you.
To those that I have met and become a part of my life. I am thankful for you.
And to my family; We may not be the richest family. We may not be the smartest family. Hell we may not be the most functional family, but we are family nonetheless. In thick and thin, we have stuck together and grown. And I am thankful for you too.

Finally, but most importantly, MY JESUS. I may not be the most faithful of your children, but every day you allow me to wake and breath and have the opportunity to write these messages on the world wide web for all to see. There are no words to really express just how thankful I really am for what you have done for me.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

A return of the White Trash Award of the Week

Plus a kickball update too...This time they are actually mashed together in one big um mashed up ball.

First the kickball update.

As many of you know, my kickball team made it into the playoffs and had our first tournament game Wednesday night. While we did make some good plays in the field, we also let our heads get out of the game a little and ended up losing 4-2.

It was a really good season and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I plan on playing again in the spring.

But onto to what everyone wants to hear about....

MISS WHITE TRASH OF THE WEEK!!

In our last inning with a chance to get closer in the game, AG (a female on the team) came up to kick. There was a runner on base and she was determined to score him. On the 3rd or 4th pitch, she kicked a foul ball that was awfully close to being called a double kick, but was not (a double kick is when you kick the ball and it bounces in a way that it hits you before it travels very far). Obviously the team on the other side wanted the call and started yelling about it. One of their players had been called out on a double kick earlier in the game and decide she would say something. Her words were along the lines of:

"That's a double kick. How can you call me out and not call her out. Hell I'm prettier than her she is, she should be out."

Effing Bitch. I'm surprised AG didn't attack the girl right there. She was definitely pissed about it that is for sure. I think it took everything in her to not pull the girls obviously bleached hair from the roots.

You Miss Bleach Blonde bitch are this week's WHITE TRASH OF THE WEEK.

WAAAAAH WAAAAAH!!!!

So, um Rachel, um DJ knows Ben...?

Last night, I went on a ice cream "date" with one of my old friends from church. We chit-chatted about life, love, and hurts for a little bit. Wasn't very long and it was just meant to be two friends hanging out.

After enjoying the ice cream and getting back to the house, we are talking in the front yard and pretty much saying our goodbyes when one of my next door neighbors walks out of her house and heads to her car. Normally this would be not be unusual and not very blog worthy, except for one thing.

Close your eyes with me and imagine a cute little cat, about a year old meowing gently. You hear it? Good. Ok now imagine taking your loving hand, gently wrapping your hand around that cats throat and squeezing. Are those meows getting louder? Are they getting longer? They are?! Great because as you are imagining that sound, you are hearing exactly what was coming out of that womans mouth. The sound of a cat being strangled as she is walking down the driveway to her car crying.

And what's even more unfortunate, is that my friend and I could not contain ourselves, and started laughing.... Until the cops came...

Just win and we are in

Did we do it?

I know it's been a while since I last blogged about kickball, so let me give you a synopsis of what has happened since the last time: We lost 8-0 in a rain soaked game, ending our winning streak. And on Halloween, we got the night off.


Last night was it. The last regular season kickball game this year. From here on out it's basically a one and done scenario. You lose on game, and you are done.

So here we are, before last night at 5 wins-4 losses and in tenth place. Only the top 12 are in automatically and 13-20 have to fight for the last 4 spots in the ending tournament. So if we win we are in at no less than 10th place. Maybe higher depending on what the teams above us did.

So how did we do?

Well, for about 10 minutes we were thinking that we were going to win by forfeit again (nobody on their team was there), when finally they trickled in and had enough for a team.

We would not be deterred though, so for the next two innings we kicked the ball around, ran like crazy and had 13 runs. They on the other hand, were short staffed and only ended up with 1 run. With a mercy rule of 12 in affect, their third out of the 2nd inning turned out to be their last and we walked away winners.

But the winning did not stop there.

Right before the game, we were presented with an award: FLIP CUP WARRIORS 2007.

That's right ladies and gentlemen (all 12 of you readers I have out there), we won twice last night.

Now lets hope some of the teams above us lost so we can move up in the standings.

(notice the crushed cooler in the middle?)

**UPDATE**
They posted the final standings for the regular season this afternoon. Yesterday we were 10th, today we are... wait for it wait for it.... 9th. YES!!!! We moved up one hole spot. and that actually may help in the long run. We just may play someone close to our talent range and go long in the playoffs... WE WILL SEE

Until then, tonight we shall party like the 5th Graders moving up to the 6th grade!!

I was reminiscing today.

And I just sat and remembered.

Something today triggered some memories of the past this morning, and I hit that reminiscing mode again. As I get older, it seems easier to look back at my life and think about years past.

Today I was brought back to a very calm and relaxing day in my life. The memory was as vivid as if it happened yesterday. I could almost smell the air and hear the sounds of that day. Every year about this time of year, that day comes back to me. It doesn't haunt me or make me wish I could go back and change things like some memories do. I don't want to re-live that day or go back and be in that place or time again. I have grown and changed since then so it would be fruitless and useless.

So what is so important about that day? It was nothing spectacular. Not even exciting. Nobody I know died or was born on that day. I didn't meet someone knew, or tell someone I loved them. I wasn't someones hero, nor did I need to be rescued. It wasn't even a newsworthy day. But, for some reason that day seemed like a turning point in my life, and I don't know why.


So today I will cherish the memory. Soak up the smell and feeling of it. I will close my eyes and return to the day. Take in the vision of the air, the trees, and the ground around me. I will own this day like no other, and nothing and no one can take it away from me.

I thank God for that day.

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Now playing: Jason Mraz - Absolutely Zero
via FoxyTunes

Questions you may ask yourself.

And other useless information from the world of JP

Q: How do you entertain 3 drunk guys for at least half and hour?

A: Give them an oversized beach ball and send them to the yard. Trust me it will get loud in a matter of minutes.

Last night, after having a few drinks at a couple bars, it was time to go home. It had been a pretty uneventful night really. The first bar include a bull ride and at the second bar, a cherry bomb was served. Unfortunately, it seems everyone was recovering from Halloween, cause both establishments were almost completely empty.

The night would not pickup until we found an oversized beach ball just sitting in the middle of the road. We just had to have it, and pulled over for the object of our desires. This thing was huge I'm telling you. I literally was 4 times as wide as I was. We had to deflate it about a 1/4 of the way, just to get it in the car.

We got the ball back to the house, and before I know it... the three of us had started I'm gonna hit you with this thing in the mouth or tackle you free for all right there on the front lawn.

For the next 30 minutes it was like this. The ball flying. Recon Man tackling Mr. TG, and then Recon Man getting attacked by the ball after he gets up.

I ended up with a fat lip and a bruise on my leg. Don't know about the other guys.

Q: How do you tell if a guy is drunk or just acting crazy?

A: Go down the street at 25 MPH after finding a beachball on the side of road and stop suddenly. And see how he reacts after his head hits the windshield.

If things get serious... He was acting crazy. If he laughs... He's drunk. As was the case when Mr. TG head hit the windshield. Not only did he hit his head, there is evidence of it to this very moment in the form of a spiderweb of cracks. Yet after he hit it, he was laughing and offering to pay for it immediately after it happened.

I'm telling you, dude has a hard head.

NACHO!!!!

I am Nacho Libre!!!

I needed to fix my mustache a couple of times.

Say hello to my next victim

She just had to have more

I'm dead sexy. You know you want some

*A special thanks to Imogen's Mom and her daughter for taking the pictures for me and helping me keep my wig in place for a couple of hours

The costume party was pretty lame last night, but I still had fun. Of the 20 people on our kickball team, only myself and 3 others showed up, plus a couple of close friends of the hostess. I will say, I do like the house rule that when someone walked in the door, everyone has to take a jello shooter. How I ended up taking 8 of them I don't know, but I'm not going to complain.

Things picked up a little bit when we all went to the club and started dancing and punching the shit out of my pillow protected stomach. EA apparently has some unresolved issues with overweight men. Every time she came by me, she just had to kick and punch me right in the gut. That or her little Pippy Longstocking outfit made her unusually aggressive. Or maybe she was mad cause she had only 3 of the jello shooters.

I$ That What I Think It I$?!?!?!

Was it $ent from Heaven?!

It was right there for anyone to $ee. Any bum, crackhead, or 420 friendly per$on could of $een it. Donald Trump would of picked it up too. But tonight wa$ not their night.... It Wa$ Mine!!!

After working at my new 2nd job, I came home, hopped in the $hower and got ready for the fe$tivitie$ ahead.

A co$tume "party" at Granby Theatre (even though I wasn't in costume), a $hot of Tequila and a Corona would not $top me from this bounty, it just made the timing perfect.

A packed Bugatti'$ and a clo$ed pizza place, $aved me from mi$$ing my prize.

A$ we headed back to the car there it wa$. Right there, on the bench at 2:3o in the morning, it wa$ there for the taking. I grabbed it up and $tuffed it in my pocket.

Then back in$ide the car, I in$pected it clo$ely to make $ure it was real and $ure enough it wa$.

$300 dollar$ ca$h money just lying there. Tonight Wa$ My Night!!!

Into the Night

I love this song.....

Kiss it and Make it better

Kids say the darnest things...

Dialogue between my nephew and his mom.

Nephew: Mommy I have a boo boo.
Mom: Aww... You want me to kiss it and make better?
Nephew: Yeah will you kiss it mommy?
Mom: Of course son, anything for you.
Nephew: Mommy, kiss my butt...

NOW THAT is PRICELESS!!!

How Lame Am I?

Decide for yourself.

I got tagged to do this survey.
There are rules: I cannot repeat anything the other survey taker said and I have to list "5 things that I do, did or like that I’m proud of, but that others may think are totally lame". Plus, I get to tag 5 people to do the same.

1. I Love Spanish olives with the pimento in the center. I've bought a large jar at the grocery store before and over the next week/ten days, eaten every single one, one by one, straight out of the jar.
   
2. I was on the tennis team and swim team in high school. In my junior, if I hadn't talked to the athletic director of the high school, there would not of been a tennis team at all.
   
3. I have complete conversations in my sleep with myself. When I was younger, my friends mom thought there were 2 other people in the room because I changed voices while I was talking to portray different characters.
4. Before the age of 28, the only liquor to ever touch my lips was Peppermint Schnapps and that was only once when I was 10.
5. I have a logo that I used to use when I was heavily into art. Someday soon, I am going to get that logo tattooed on my left arm somewhere. I have even thought about getting it trademarked.
   

I hereby tag: Imogen's Mom, DC, Nic, Charmed, Kitten

We are the Rockies of the Kickball world.

You other teams watch out!!

That's right you guessed it... once again we were victorious in the wonderful world of kickball.

• I wish we could say we played a great game.... We didn't.
• I wish I could say that the other team sucked.... They didn't
• I would like to say that we would be able to beat the team that played time and time again.... We probably would lose more times than not.
• I would LOVE to say we beat them by playing sound fundamental kickball (that doesn't sound right saying it).... but the truth is, I can honestly say that I gave it my all.

So you want to know how we won? They were one female short. Yes I said it. We won on a technicality. But hey a win is a win so we'll take it.

So after last night, we are officially 5-3 and moving up in the rankings.

Go 5th Graders!!

Cookie time

Another Nephew Story

I went to my dad's house again last night for a small little birthday bash for his girlfriends daughter with just my family and her family. It was nice and quiet at first. We went to a Mongolian barbecue and I stuffed myself with tons of noodles and meat. Nothing real exciting to blog about. Well at least not until my youngest nephew started getting that I'm tired but I refuse to go to sleep cause I know you'll have fun without me grumpiness going on.

You parents out there know what I am talking about. First he wants to sit on "Nanny's" Lap, then he wants to sit on "GreePa's" lap. Next he wants to sit on the floor. He's going from here to there and telling us what he wants to do, but doing the exact opposite. This is all within three minutes. We finally got him to settle down in "Nanny's" lap and was starting to fall asleep.

It was at this point the waitress decides, "Hey guess what it is cookie time."

"Woman are you effing mad?! Can't you see we have a 18 month old stubbling around? Do you not know what fracas you are about to cause bringing sweets to a table within site of him? I blame you for what is about to happen next!"

The insanity hit before that plate even hit the table. I kid you not when I say this, but the plate had to be an inch from the table, when my nephews eyes popped open and bugged out. Instinct told him there were sweets within grasp and he was not going to miss it.

Before anyone could even grasp the concept of wanting to have a cookie themselves, he looked over the plate and pointed to the cookie he wanted. They were these little mini cookies. Some were chocolate chip and the other half were white chocolate chip, but since white chocolate chip was foreign to him, he went with plain chocolate chip (this will be key later).

He gets his cookie and he was happy, as were we. The rest of the table then gets some cookies and by the time we had our selection down. There were 3 white chocolate chip cookies left.

Nephew, after finishing his first cookie, naturally wants another one. So he gets up, walks over to where the plate is looks at me and with the saddest eyes asks if he can have another cookie. Looking over to mom to make sure it's ok, I grab the plate and bring it to his level to let him choose.

He looks it over, sees that there are no plain chocolate chip cookies left, begins to cry. Mommy instinct takes over and she begins to ask him "What's wrong, I thought you wanted a cookie".

Satan himself would of been scared at what happened next.

He sat there, bugged his eyes out, rose his eyebrows 6 inches above his head into little horns, turned his face purple and screamed "I don't want that cookie!!!!"

Um... Check Please!!
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Now playing: Gym Class Heroes - On My Own Time (Write On!)
via FoxyTunes

The ball keeps on rolling.

Another win for the 5th graders!!!

That's right, we pushed our winning streak to 3 games baby and we are now 4-3. Not only did we win 7-2, we flexed some defensive muscle with great plays from both the guys and girls. AG made another spectacular catch in right field. MS was once again the infield MVP. Both EA and AS held on to the ball when it came their way, and of course.... I threw two people out myself. We are coming together magnificently.

Up next is the The Gang, and they too are going down. If we keep up our winning ways, not only will we be playing in the playoffs, we will make it without having to play the wildcard tournament.

***UPDATE***
I almost forgot to mention this... If you were ever planning to come visit one of the games and watch our great team in action, DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT BRING A STYROFOAM COOLER!!!

After our game last night, we were getting together for a team picture and were surrounding a cooler to take this picture.

Unfortunately, AS thought it would be a good idea to park her rear on top of cooler. This cooler was not meant to carry more than 50 lbs, and AS well, is not 50 lbs.

So right as the picture is being taking, AS flops right on top of the cooler and without missing a beat, the cooler collapses under the weight.

Poor cooler. it never saw what was coming.

That Boy is SMART!!!

Yeah that is MY NEPHEW!!

My youngest sister and her son, who is a year and a half, are in town for two weeks on vacation and we were catching up last night over dinner with the rest of the family. He's a very smart kid for his age and is aware of EVERYTHING going on around him.

While eating some of the best chicken I've had in a long long long time, mother and son were telling numerous stories of things that had happened recently. Most were cute little stories about balls and cars and other little boy stories that you just can't help but laugh at. I'm serious, how can you not laugh at someone that young telling a story about the new police car toy he got with the enthusiasm of a 30 yr old winning the lottery. Talk about excitement.

During one of those stories, he begin to tell of a car that he had seen one day that was going really fast. And then out of that little boys mouth came the following words (spelled the exact way they came out of his mouth) "And the caar went scccccuuuuurrrr". That boy just described a car coming to a sudden stop with a sound that was almost realistic. I'm telling you that boy is a genius.

Bill Gates... go ahead... pass the torch now. It's inevitable. You are going down!!!

"Hi I'm new here. Gimme your credit card!!

Stop the Madness!!

I haven't had much to blog about lately, simply cause things have been pretty low-key for the past week and a half. It seems that every once in a while everyone seems to go through dry spells in their life and my spell is going on right now. I'm pretty sure there certain things I could mention like my sister coming into town tomorrow and my plans to hang with one of my kickball teammates tonight at the club, but I feel it would be more entertaining if something interesting happens and I'd tell you about it.

That being said... I have some a grievance that I have been dying to express

MySpace Spammers, you are not fooling anyone!!!

Ok, I know for those of us that have a MySpace, I know you know the process. You have friends that have MySpace accounts, you get their info and add them as a friend and then proceed to check them out every once in a while to see what is going on in their life.

Some of your friends you talk to on a daily basis either through MySpace or through some other means.

Some you catch up once in a while with my sending small little comments like "Hi! Haven't talked to you in a while. What's new?"

Some you really don't talk to but will browse their profile every once in a while and look at their new pics, see which friend recently posted a comment and read their bulletins cause she's pregnant, their getting married, or to announce to the MySpace world that those new pics have been posted.

Then during your MySpace stalking, you see a friend you haven't talked to in umpteen years, or you see a musician you like and decide to "friend request" them and build your Friend List.

That is the normal behavior of a MySpacer.

Sometimes I see that little "New Friend Request" Icon and think "Sweet, Jessica or Jimmy from Norview saw my profile and added me". Then much to my dismay, I see this hot blond name Julianna or Ariel or Paige has added me.

No I did not just become the luckiest man in the world and some gorgeous plastic endowed has seen my scruffy soul-patched face so irresistible she has to have me now. Instead it really is just some dude in Kuala Lampur or Tokyo, Japan trying to lure in some of those desperate 40yr old men still living in his mom's basement with a comic book store or some computer business who hasn't gotten laid since Reagen was president.

Seriously, do you think I'll actually fall for this? Sure I'll check the profile to see it's genuine. And each time I just laugh cause the profiles all read the same.

"Hi! I'm new to MySpace and I want to meet some new people. Here is a link to some webcam site with girls in Brazil who we've kidnapped and forced to show their coochie on the internet for peanuts while we get paid big money from your credit card you sick old man from America.!!"

Any man with a brain knows this scam... but every day it happens. What's worse is that there are men that actually do it.

Now don't get me wrong, I like looking at beautiful women just like any straight man would, but if I have to pull out my Mastercard to do it, then I really need to evaluate my life.

Never has a song been so true as what I am listening to right now.....

I feel like slapping a B*tch today!!
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Now playing: Ludacris - Slap
via FoxyTunes

OOH Yeah!!!

Winning Streak Baby!!!

My kickball team is on a roll. Last night, we once again came up victorious, beating one of the better teams in the league, 3-2. It was a great game, and I played much better defensively. That makes 2 in a row baby and we are now 3-3 and are coming together. Monday's email tirade really gelled us and we came to the field feeling like an actual team.

My stats include 1 hit and got to 3rd. Unfortunately I did not score. Defensively, I was able to actually catch the one ball that came my way this time and not have it bounce off of my face.

Afterwards, the streak kept rolling as we excelled at flip cup and won 6-2 against the same team.


It's a shame we only play once a week.

It only took the word "booty" to get some interaction

God I love this team.

The following is a series of emails that came out this week after getting our weekly kickball update. Up to this date, this is only time that all of our team has gotten in on a conversation. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and the retarded

• Congratulations on the win on Saturday! It was tough game, but we pulled through... BS was the scrimmage MVP. He managed to advance a runner to third by purposely tripping on the way to first base and rolling on the ground causing much confusion. He even managed to advance a runner on a different field with his shenanigans. Way to take one for the team. Most of us would have relied on the kick to advance the runner, but not Billy. Our game on Wednesday is at 8:30pm again on field C. We are playing against a solid team, the Rockstars, but we can beat them. Let me know if you can't make it. Get a good night sleep on Tuesday and be ready to kick some Rockstar booty! Principal Z
• Are principals allowed to use such terms as "booty"? AG
• I think thats sexual harrassment. Watch it Mr. Principal or you’re getting slap with a lawsuit ... pervert. EA
• Z's new name is "Perverse Principal" TB
• Out of all the emails that we have received from Z, it's only when he uses the word "booty" that people start responding and taking notice. Says a lot about the mindframe of our team :) SK
• Wow, Z uses the word "booty" ONCE and it brings out the 5th Grader in all of us! Are we on the perfect team or what?! JP
• Who doesn't like booty? Whether used in Pirate slang ”ARRRR THATS ME BOOTY!!!" Or in Rap songs "DAMN SHORTY'S GOT'A FINE BOOTY!!!" Or the simple “I GOT SOME BOOTY LAST NIGHT!!!" I for one applaud our "Principal" for inspiring our youth to expand their minds and their BOOTIES. MS
• Southern Cal's quarterback is John David Booty. Can we say 'Booty' in that context or is that sexual harassment, too? If we think it is, I say we file a class-action lawsuit against ESPN because they've been talking about that guy all season! I'm confident that our teammate, Ja P, will provide solid legal representation in this matter. We're all going to be rich... DB
• Booty rhymes with Doody. TB
• Please note when I said "slap" I meant "slapped." Apparantely I did not pay attention in 1st grade grammar ... let alone 5th. EA
• hahahaha or spelling :) SK
• Shit! Apparently! Fuck you! EA
• Great now we are talking about "Booty Slapping"! That sounds like a 6th grade level to me. JP
• tb said midframe.... and ts's email address has the word cox... hehe... cox.... i for one, refuse to expand my booty as ms put it, no matter what you heard, prison was a long time ago.... and NOTHING happened. anyone else notice that DP spelled his own name wrong on the team roster? just throwing a buddy under the bus... good times. BW
  

CAN I SAY IT AGAIN?! GOD I LOVE THIS TEAM?!

More WTF?!

I'm glad I meet your approval... That was sarcasm in case you didn't know.

Last night I went out with my boys Recon Man and Mr. TG to Cafe when the unthinkable happens, my ex walks right next to us and says "O Hi guys".

Talk about awkward!!! I'm talking, pit in the stomach now feeling like I have 30 lbs of something in there awkward. That feeling didn't last long when I was whisked right past her, VIP status and walked right in while she had to pay whatever cover charge there is. What was even better, was seeing from the corner of my eye, her paying $6 for whatever drink she was having, while I could of just told them what I wanted and have it delivered to me at no charge. (I was the DD last night, so I didn't).

The rest of the night there was minimal interaction. I did say hi and wave, but not much else.

Then without warning or even provocation, I get a text from her.

"You look good. I'm proud of you"

WTF?!?! You're proud of me?! Back the f*ck up!! At what point in our lives, did I start seeking the approval of her? My dad told me he was proud of me once. That meant something. But to tell me that I look good and you are proud of me, indicates that this person thinks that I became this guy:

I'm an idiot.

Most of you already knew that....

Every 7-11 has them. Whether they are Indian, Chinese, Japanese, or one of the other "eses". You can't get away from seeing one at the next 7-11. At the one I went to yesterday, the people there were a mixture of Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean, and Filipino.

The new promotional/new item they are selling is Eggrolls and they are selling them 2 for $3. Like every chain, there is a competition to sell the most of something, and today was eggroll day.

I am not a big eggroll fan. Never have, probably never will, but still they had to sell them to me.

Here is the conversation as it goes, while I am standing over the hot dog / eggroll cooker ....

Employee #1: You want eggroll?
JP: No thanks, but I'd like to have 2 quarter pound big bites please.
Employee #1: Ok I get you hot dog (and begins to get my order)
Employee #2 (who snuck up behind me): You want eggroll?
JP: I'm good thank you. I'm not a big eggroll fan.
Employee #2: *Gasp* Everyone like eggroll.
JP: Everyone cept me. (Employee #1 hands me my order at this time)
Employee #1: You sure you no want eggroll.
JP: I'm sure, thank you though. (I then proceed to counter to pay)
Employee #3 (at counter): Will that be all? You want eggroll?
JP: Haha no thanks...
Employee #3: You sure, eggroll is good.
JP (In my worst Chinese voice): I NO LIKE EGGROLL!!

I'm an idiot.

I think Employee #1 had gotten a broom at and had intentions of doing inventive things with the handle of the broom stick at that point.

Needless to say, I paid for my hot dogs and left pretty quickly.

Touchy Subjects.

I am about to tackle one.

*Disclaimer: If you decide not to read my blog again after reading this. I'm sorry you feel that way. I am a white male. I make no apologies for that. I enjoy spending time with friends. Many of which are not white. I don't see color. I see habits. I see actions. And if you act like an idiot, walk like an idiot, then guess what? You are an idiot.

Over the past couple of days, I have been debating whether or not I should voice my opinions concerning the Jena 6 subject. I have my opinion and some may call me a racist, and some may just agree with me. I will not sit here and begin by trying to explain how I am not racist by having black friends or sugar coating what I have to say. Everyone has a negative feelings about some aspects of a different race. You are lying if you say you don't. How many people have looked at a person of Arab descent and immediately thought terrorist? How many people have looked at a group of 4-5 black men and thought, they are up to no good? What about the Mexican down the street? I bet you think he is working somewhere in construction for peanuts, taking the job of a much higher paid person. We've all been guilty. Stop lying and face the facts.

That being said, I'll explain to you now why I have decided to make this post.

Last night, on a local news broadcast, there was a video shown of 7 black kids attacking a white kid in the middle of the street. None of the 7 were arrested or charged as of yet. And they should be. The attack was unprovoked and all eye witness accounts of the events said, that the reason for the attack was.... because the kid was white.

This is the cause for many "race-related" fights all to often. The color of someone's skin.

As was the case in Jena, La. 6 black teenagers attacked a white male. They beat the kid to the point of unconsciousness. They kicked and kicked and kicked at someone who could not defend himself.

And then those same kids got arrested. As they deserved to be. They got tried. As they deserved to be. And there were convictions. As there ought to have been.

We hear stories of a "white tree". A label that the parents will tell you is true, but the teachers at the school will tell you is false.

Then we hear about 3 nooses on a tree(there were actually 2), that when hung were used by students (both white and black) more as a rope swing until school authorities ordered to be taken down, when students started putting their heads through the loops.

And next we hear that the students who hung the noose were only suspended 3 days. When in actuality, they were also given in school suspension for two weeks as well as being sent to an alternative school for about a month.

Mychal Bell, the one student in the center of the whole distpute, was indeed an honor student with a high grade point average. However, to say he didn't have a criminal record is untrue. He was in fact on probation for previous battery charges and criminal property damage.

I will concede, however, that it is pretty widely known by the people who live there that blacks in the community tend to be treated more harsh than whites. Authorities do need to look into the practices of the system there.

In my opinion, I think that each and every one of the students involved in the beating, need to punished. They committed a crime and they need to do the time. Do they deserve to be tried as adults? Not unless there were adults when the attack happened. Do they deserve 20 yrs or 100yrs of prison? No. But they do need to punished. If this is the first offense, which for some it is not, then put them on probation. If there are habitual offenders, as it appears Mychal Bell is, then they deserve to spend time behind bars. I don't care they were black, white, latino, or asian.

In a country where we demand that celebrities get no special treatment and that we demand that politicians immediately resign if they have a lapse in judgment. How dare we demand that criminals who are guilty go free?

Admit it, we are a hypocritical nation. What would we be protesting if we reversed the colors in the situation, or if Mychal Bell was the victim of 6 white students? What if instead of nooses being hung, there were Klan hats being hung? What if we heard that Mychal Bell had called one of the white guy a "honky" or a "cracker"? Would we still be outraged if those white students were to be tried as adults?

I don't think so.

Huge bugs everywhere

Are we being invaded? I am seeing these large things everywhere. I'm scared people.

Aliens have landed.

Proof I do have a heart.

This little creature, while ugly, almost scary looking and easily at about 4 inches wide, is still alive. That's what happens when you leave me alone and don't invade my space. You hear that Tony? Oh wait Tony's dead.

Maybe they should stop kicking kegs.

We Win!!

It took us 3 games, but my kickball team won a game last night. I don' t know the score, but I do know it was a lot to a little.

I got on base and scored every time, but my defense was a little slack. It's kind of hard to go from catching a small white ball to catching this big red bouncy ball bigger than the size of your head.


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Now playing: Nickelback - Someone That You're With
via FoxyTunes

Award Winning....

See White Trash is Funny...

Everyone's favorite White Trash hero won the award for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series. I'd like to thank Wal-Mart for providing her a dress to wear for the LOW LOW LOW Price of $19.99. Way to go Jaime.

WTF?!!

Red all the way!

This is a forward of a picture message that my ex sent me this weekend. After looking at the picture, here is the list of questions I have come up with for her....

1. Um, doesn't all the way indicate something along the lines of all of your hair and not just part of it? Or did you just run out of dye?
   
2. Are you insane? What on God's green earth makes you think that is attractive?
3. Will you be directing construction traffic for the next couple of months?
4. Are you sure you weren't in a nuclear accident and that is the result of the radiation?
5. Don't you think Dusty the Wonder Dog would like his dog collar back?
   
6. Of all people, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SEND THAT TO ME?! I know we are civil and all, but I just ate dinner. I'd like to keep it in my stomach.
   

Writers Block

I have no material this week.

Seriously, there is nothing exciting, educational, or relatively humorous for me to write about this week. I have tried 3 times and each time I come up with nothing. This is what information I have, and it's giving me zippo.

1. Imogen's Mom had a birthday (soon she'll join the 30 and over crowd like me).
2. TTT is moving out.
3. I'm almost completely moved in.
   
4. Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper, is by far the funniest blogger I have ever read.
5. When doing a Google search for "Infamous JP", my blog is the first link that comes up.
6. My kickball team lost this week 4-3, and we are now 0-2.
   
   

SEE nothing of remote interest. I hate weeks like this. I think it's because I am sick.

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Now playing: Matisyahu - King Without A Crown
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Now playing: Gym Class Heroes - Biters Block
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Sometimes the past comes back...

And it makes you appreciate the changes that have been made since...

This weekend I was finishing up my move from my apartment into a house that I am moving into. While I was going through the "Keep or Throw Away" pile I ran into some old pictures of my ex-wife and I. Needless to say I went through a whole world of emotions at that very instant. Part of my got happy cause I remember the good times. Some of me got happier cause I remember the bad times. Then I got angry because of the WORST time. And finally, for a short time I got depressed cause I remembered the FINAL time.

BUT, instead of dwelling on the broken marriage and the emotions I was feeling at the time. Something rose up and me and I started thinking about what has happened in my life since the last time I ever saw her, and I couldn't help to smile.

I also started thinking about the important people in my life.

Here are the people that are important to me.

1. MY FAMILY. They are first and foremost the only ones that have always been there for me. And besides, when there are people who have actually seen what happens when you have a bowel, don't they have to hold a special place in your life.
2. IMOGEN'S MOM. She is probably the one person other than family I just could not do without. I have known her for almost 13 yrs and over the last year and a half have gotten closer. She is, without a doubt, my best female friend, if not my best friend.
3. PB. We are almost a kindred spirit. We are going through the same mess with spouses and have learned how to encourage each other. Whether it be talking about past stories or just saying "Here have another Select". He is definitely my best male friend. Well that and he is my roommate.
4. TTT. Even though I have know her for the shortest amount of time and she is considerably younger, I can do nothing but smile when ever I talk to her. Separated by thousands of miles and 3 time zones, she'll always make time for me and I always have a way to make time for her.
5. Ms. INNOCENT. She is the one who helped me find my creative/assh*le side, and how not to be a prick when it comes out. Another person who lives hours away from me, but I will always find time for when she calls.
6. Mrs. G. Ironically, she is the only married person of the bunch (in my age bracket) and the person I have known the longest. She's been there through thick and thin, ups and downs and still she hasn't kicked me out of her life.
7. Mr Solovacic. Those of you that know him, know why. The most down to earth, fun loving person I know. He will go out of his way to cook dinner for you, even when his bank account says that it can't. Yet he still finds a way. And trust me if you think you have some stories to tell, wait til you sit and talk with him. You'll just pop in to say hi, and four hours later you are stuffed and have heard some of the funniest things in your life.

And the absolute most important person in my life? Jesus!! I don't know I have made it this far, but he has gotten me through it all.

Are you serious?

Britney?! Come on Britney?!


Apparently Imogen's Mom has a fascination with Britney Spears (pre-K-FED). It don't get it. Even before K-FED, she had a 4 hour marriage to one of her dancers. In case you forgot about Jason Alexander Imogen's Mom, led me remind you of the Vegas wedding that was annulled MONTHS before the K-FED phase.

She holds Britney on such a high pedestal she threatened to dissolve our friendship. I hope she was joking.

Now if she would of said Jessica Alba or even Alyssa Milano, I would of gladly taken a backseat. But not Britney. You can't get rid of me that easy. I'm gonna make you see the errors of your ways Imogen's Mom.


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Now playing: Hinder - Lips Of An Angel
via FoxyTunes

That is just Evil.... I love it.

Get him drunk and then let him go buckwild.

I have known Liam's Mom for quite some time. We were pretty serious for while and were moving towards marriage, but it didn't happen. (That is another story I may tell later).

Today she unhappily married with two kids. She is so unhappy that she has made a decision that as soon as she is done with nursing school next year, she is leaving him. They are unofficially separated now, so it wouldn't be too much of a change for her. She sleeps in her own room and lord knows where he sleeps.

Today she tells me her plan to kind of ease him out the marriage too.

She's gonna get him drunk and try to get him into a drunken night of passion with another woman.

I don't know what here motive is for this is exactly, but I have to admit that is pure evil. AND I LOVE IT!!

Recap Finale

This is it. If you want to know more ask me and I will tell you.

Ok, here is the last and final installment of my Vacation stories. This one is more of a series of small mental notes I made during my trip.

1. California is HUGE!! If I was planning on visiting the entire state, I would need more than a week to do so.
2. I found out that Keenan Ivory Wayans knows the intricacies of spankings, and that he is into bondage. I was disturbed by the, but at the same token, the person who told me that... can "whip" me anytime.
3. Airsofting is fun. Thank you TTT and JNA for taking me.
4. TTT, thank you for spending that Sunday with me. I REALLY enjoyed myself.
5. If you ever get the chance to "couch surf" with someone do it. You'll never know the kind of interesting people you might meet. TAB is a very interesting woman. 2 days was not enough time to talk to her.
6. William Randolph Hearst was one materialistic son of a bitch. 22 Karat gold everywhere in your pool house?! Are you effing serious?!
7. I LOVE college towns. Especially small college towns. Guys you know what I am talking about!!

Now that vacation is over and I have shared my stories, it's back to business as usual. And that, frankly, does not excite me.

Vacation Recap #3

Vacation 2007 Recap cont'd

I promised you some stories from my vacation, and I am going to follow through with those promises. They will come over the next couple of posts...

Is that an echo I hear?

During my 30 yrs I've been through many storms, both because of nature and because of circumstances in my life.

I've been in earthquakes.
I've experienced floods.
I've been frozen by blizzards.
I've weathered a Category 2 hurricane.
I've seen and heard thunderstorms.

But I was not prepared for what I heard on my first night in Santa Margarita.

We've all been there. I storm comes out of nowhere and the lightning and thunder start. The flash of the sky as the electrons break through the atmosphere. The roar of the thunder that rolls right behind it. Sometimes they come at the same time.

That night was unlike any other those times except for one detail: the echo.

Now I'm not positive about this, but apparently, when there are thunderstorms in the mountains of California, there is an echo. The rolling thunder didn't sound the same. It almost seemed empty. Kind of that I'm only going through the motions cause I really don't want to make a sound type of empty.

Don't get me wrong, it was still loud, it had to be to wake me out of my sleep like it did. It just didn't have the same, I'm destroying something feel I get from the storms we have in Virginia.

Story Time continues.

Vacation 2007 Recap Cont'd

I promised you some stories from my vacation, and I am going to follow through with those promises. They will come over the next couple of posts...

The time I heard "I don't know how to pump gas"

Yes I actually heard that phrase come out of someone's mouth. No it was not from a child.

Apparently there are some states out there that pamper their drivers and prevent them from getting out of the car and being responsible for gas. I know New Jersey is like that. I've been there a couple of times and didn't have to get out my vehicle to receive more fuel. Parts of that I like (it's so much easier when it's 10 degrees below to have someone else do it), parts of it I hate (I have to tip these poor people now, because it has got to be murder to do that all day long).

That being said, there is still no excuse why anyone should not know where to stick the nozzle if they leave the comfort those states.

Apparently this one young 23 yr old female, didn't get that memo.

On my one excursion day fleeing the heat of is now know as the Hill of Hades, I was on my way to Hearst Castle. On my way I stopped to get some gas at a small gas station in San Luis Obispo. When I got there, there were 5 people huddled around the back of a Isuzu Trooper (3 guys, 2 girls). I didn't really pay attention to what they were huddling about. I did check to see if they had presidential masks and shotguns, but to my joy they did not.

So I get out, pump my gas, go inside to drain the weasel, wash my hands, buy Imogen's Mom her shot glass souvenir, and go to the counter. At that moment, the ring leader of the group walks in the store, walks up to the man at the counter and utters this phrase"

"HI I'M FROM ORE-EE-GAWN, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUMP GAS. CAN YOU HELP ME?"

It took all of my strength not to burst out in "belly-rolling laughter" right then and there. It was even harder when the attendant looked at me and telepathically said, "I think I just piddled myself. That has to be the funniest thing I have heard since you got beat 4 times at Uno".

So for all of you Oregonians and New Jerseyians out there, here is a lesson on how to pump gas.

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Now playing on iTunes: Kanye West - Stronger
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Now playing on iTunes: 50 Cent - Ayo Technology
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It's Story time Boys and Girls

The Vacation 2007 Recap begins.

So here it is, my first day back at work, after long, well needed vacation, and you know what I am ready for... my NEXT vacation. Anyway, I promised you some stories from my vacation, and I am going to follow through with those promises. They will come over the next couple of posts...

The Life and Times of Tony the Tarantula.

After spending a couple of days enjoying the city life of California, it was time to head back to nature. So into the mountains of Santa Margarita to do some "roughing it". I get to my location and I am lucky to get the shaded campsite that is secluded. The are hills behind me and the road leading to the site, no other people around, and the bugs and mosquitoes seem to have taken some time off. Life is good. Until Thursday.

Tony was a young hairy beast. He probably measured to be about 5" in span with prickly black hair everywhere. He was also very adventurous.

That day, he decided to go on a leisurely walk. It just so happened, there was a tent in his territory he had never seen before. He determined he would check out this new development and welcome his new neighbor.

Unfortunately I do not like spiders. I'm not scared of them, but I have been known to kill my share of arachnids.

So as Tony starts coming my way, I decided I would try and protect my territory. I grabbed the newspaper I was going to use to start the fire, rolled it up and... hit the ground in front of him. (I'm not a savage people, well at least not at this point).

He stopped. And then he began walking again. I hit the ground again. He stopped and then started walking again.

Unfazed at this point, but still not wanting a eight-legged bunk mate for the evening, I needed another way to show him he was not welcome. So I grab the bug spray I had, my lighter and aimed it at him. Just then I heard Smokey the Bear say to me, "JP, now you know that 'Only You can prevent....' Holy S**t that thing is huge, torch the motha!"

So I took the can, lit the lighter and... sprayed in his direction, but not on him. I do have somewhat of a heart. I just wanted him to go away. But he didn't like that. Matter of fact I think I made him mad. I say this because instead of being the cute little creature he was before, he now only had 4 of his eight legs on the ground and the others were in what looked like attack mode.

OH S**T!!!

At this point, is when things got real. I had to stop playing. Obviously he quit playing too.

I didn't want to waste any more of my bug spray and I didn't want to waste my kindling, so I had to do something else. And then I saw it. 7 inches in diameter, 3 inches tall and shaped perfectly for my hand and perfectly for his head.

I think the rock was probably about 8lbs in weight to me, but to Tony, it could of been 2 tons. I don't know.

As I slowly crawl towards this boulder of death, Tony watched me. I could see my reflection in 6 of his eyes as he followed me with his gaze. Closer and closer I came to the object of my desire, the more he turned to keep me in front of him.

My fingers touched it, my palm grazed it, and I picked it up, and in one swift motion, I grabbed it, picked it up, rotated my arm and forcefully placed the rock back on the ground right on top of Tony. There was no screaming, no pleads for me to stop, no crunch. Just the sound of rock thumping on the ground.

I gave my adversary a proper funeral. Like the mighty Achilleus and Darth Vader, I burned him and said farewell to my friend my foe.

Rest in Peace Tony.

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Now playing on iTunes: Jason Mraz - Galaxy (Live)
via FoxyTunes

Almost Home

Vacation is going by way too fast.

I'm back everyone, well temporarily. I'm still camping, but took a little journey today to get in on some sites. So of course I brought my laptop just in case I saw a starbucks on the way, and guess what... I did. With that said, I just wanted to let everyone know, that my vacation is almost over and I have some stories to tell. I'll give you a little preview.

1. The life and times of Tony the Tarantula.
2. The time I heard "I don't know how to pump gas".
3. Is that an echo I hear?

Vacation Homes Galore

My next vacation home. This neighborhood has so many to choose from, but this is the one I am aiming for on my next Vacay.

Now is the feeling of what vacations should be

Welcome to relaxation JP.

Hopefully you will not hear much about much more about my vacation for the next couple of days. If things go as planned, what I will be doing will be boring, nothing exciting to write about, and completely relaxing. If you don't believe me, here is a synopsis of what I've done since I finally arrived at my hotel.


Sleep. Food. Sleep. Food. Sleep. Food. Sleep.
with a little bit of hanging with some friends mixed in between.

So needless to say, it has gotten much better. Plus, after spending the day in Malibu, CA. I got to "couch surf" at the Chateau De Tabbie, where she also unmercifully slaughtered me in 4 games of UNO and tell me I look like the "average american male". Don't worry a rematch is coming and I will at least put up a fight this time. I think her citrus martini had an affect on my card playing abilities, so I may have make this one a non-martini event.

Oh and for those of you that are wondering, here is a shot of the type of rental I got for my little strip tease at Budget. And, NO I DID NOT LET ANYONE TOUCH ME, so don't even ask.

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Now playing: Jason Mraz - Welcome to Schubas (Medley)
via FoxyTunes

Vacation Day 2 - Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.

Aren't vacations supposed to be relaxing?

(I am sending this 2 days later because I've taken some time to just relax before posting this.)

It's 5:55am PST. Budget RentACar LAX airport. And I'm on the verge of becoming extremely insane. After landing at LAX at 1:35 in the morning, and then getting shuttled over to Budget, I have been sitting here for 4 plus hours. No it's not because I really like the people here, or that I want to bask in the glow that is now being in California. It is because my credit card company has decided that, even though they have recieved a payment from me, they are going to hold on to the money and see if I will turn into a murderous psycho maniac.

MC: "Sir, the policy is to hold the funds for 10 days to see if has really been sent by your bank."

JP: "Um ma'am, I sent those funds 4 days ago, you withdrew them from my account, I have no access to them and I am now in CALI-FUCKING-FORNIA trying to get a rental car."

MC: "We see a payment was posted yes, but we are not going to let you have, so sit there for two days and stink up the joint. (While she is quietly laughing under her breath)"

JP: "Is there any way that I can convince you to just let it go this one time and let me at least sleep in a cardboard box near where I am planning to stay"

Needless to say, it took 4 hours and and tap dance and a strip tease for the Budget, I finally get my funds.

But lets not stop there. Let me add this little tidbit....

While I am waiting to talk to someone who has at least a little compassion at my credit card company, one of the Budget male employees offers me a ride to a shuttle so I can at least get to my hotel on time... during the trip over, without even being provoked, this employee proceeds to tell me that 3 yrs ago, he used to give blow jobs for money.

WTF in all that is HOLY makes you think that I even want to know about your desire for sausage being stuffed in your mouth for money. I am not gay, I was not flirting with you, and that by no means makes me want to sit anywhere near you. Do not touch you man loving homosexual.

Thank God that I am now at my hotel and enjoying the pool and comfort of my sleep number bed.

** For those of you interested, it turns out that the offer for a "couch" was indeed real, and I am at this very moment, trying to get all the arrangements worked out.

Vacaton Day 1 - Can this GET any Worse?!?

Gawd I hope not!!!

Well vacation 2007 has started off with a bang so far. To say it has been an adventure would be downplaying the anguish that and many others had to face yesterday/last night/this morning.

I should of know when at 7:00 am on Friday, my first load of laundry was still wet and i had to be at work at 8.

Or maybe the "Did you lock the door?" question should of been a clue.

You see cause that is when it really started.

However, let's jump forward to 5:30pm, at Norfolk International Airport. I'm sitting on my plane, strapped in ready to embark on a journey of stinky sweaty people caged in a bus on wings to Hotlanta, when the following phrase was uttered "Bong! Ladies and Gentleman, now that you are a human version of sardines, we are now going to make you sit here for another hour and a half, because there are some pilots in the air scared of thunder and lightning."

So by the time 7:30 is rolling around, there are already 100+ people upset that not only has the flight been delayed, but now there is a chance of missing their connecting flights.

Well after finally landing in the city formerly known as the home of Michael Vick at approximately 9:45pm, it's off to find my now delayed flight to Los Angeles, Ca., which by the way was scheduled to depart at 9:40pm. That flight is now "scheduled" to depart at 12:05am, almost 2-1/2hrs late. I say scheduled, cause by the time all things are said and done, and after 4 delays, the flight ends up taking off at 12:30 and is only the middle of the casualty that my vacation has started out to be.

Trust me folks, day one is just the beginning... Day 2 starts out just as bad.

An "anonymous" invitation by the Big Boobed Roommate?

An Alternate Vacation plan?

After the debacle that was the San Luis Obispo stage, an alternate plan has been recommended. It seems that the roommate of one of my favorite bloggers ( TAB, that would be your big boobed roommate I am talking about) offered me a place to crash instead of bumming around the streets and sleeping in the rental car.

If it's real, I am seriously considering the offer.

Now I know what you are saying, JP, we are talking about complete strangers, WTF are you thinking?! Well as it turns out, the law of six degrees of separation just may apply here. I know Imogen's Mom, Imogen's Mom knows DRB, and DRB apparently knows BBR & TAB. And besides you only live once, why the hell not?

Ok I know that is not 6 degrees, but you get the freaking point, don't judge me.

Well I think I'll have time to decide and find out if I'm getting played. I have to write some emails to write to see what the deal is on that.

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Now playing: Jason Mraz - 10,000 Motherf***ers (Live from Montalvo)
via FoxyTunes

To all you parents with pre-pubecent children.

When it's time to have that "TALK", here is a way to have fun while doing it.

Filed Under: Parents 1, Smart Ass, Teenage Son, 0

I almost peed laughing reading this.

My White Trash Hero

Thank you Charmed!!!! You have no idea what you just started.


"Just once. It was before Cd's. Don't Judge Me"


"Listen, now I know on the outside I look like a sweety sweetheart, but trust me on the inside, I'm 100% bitch. I even have a T-shirt that says it. Got it as a Mother's Day present."


"You'd be laughing if you could see how I spelled that in my head"


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Now playing on iTunes: Ludacris - Slap
via FoxyTunes

Crash, Bang, Dead!

I dropped my phone!!!! and the glass on the screen shattered.


Thank God for insurance!!
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Now playing on iTunes: Daughtry - Feels Like Tonight
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So that's the real you....

And you couldn't tell me this before I booked my plane ticket?!?!?!

Ok, so it's official. Part of my vacation is "ruined". Not that I didn't sort of expect it, but still I'm a little peeved.

Let me explain. As everyone knows I have been planning my California vacation for quite some time. 3 months to be exact. It is going to be fun and relaxing at the same time. I was going to see family I haven't seen in 20 years and some friends as well. I was even going to meet some new ones that I had met via Myspace. And from the get go, I had been very open with what my plans were. I mean, I friggin wrote a blog about it for the world to see for crying out loud.

Well anyway, last night I received a sort of bombshell.

The friend I was going to hang with in San Luis Obispo, has turned out to be a fake. Complete from head to toe. The person I was going to see was supposed to be a single, 25 yr old female with a kid (which didn't bother me). She even told me AS I WAS PLANNING MY VACATION that she couldn't wait to see me.

So she calls me last night, and begins to tell me (in not so many words) "Hey JP I'm a fraud. Everything I told you was a lie. I am a sad person that has to make up a story about who I am because I have no life, I am unhappy, and I need some serious help." DAMN right you do!

So it turns out, that while she is 25, she has 2 kids, doesn't live anywhere near where she said she did, and more importantly is not single.

Oh well, it's a damn good thing I didn't have too much invested in her and that I wasn't going to just see her. Now I need to just find things to do fill those days that were going to be spent with her.

Damnit! Why couldn't Imogen's Mom come with me?!
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Now playing on iTunes: Linkin Park - Bleed It Out
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Friday's Trash

My Weekly installments of White Trash Viewings.

This week, I've a couple of sights that I could tell you about.

I've seen the 300 pound woman wearing a tube top smaller with less material than I have in my socks.
I've seen the teenage dirty blond girl that flirts with anything with a penis.
I've been to the house that permeates of pet dander from the second you open the door.
And then there was JOSE OFFERMAN (don't say it, color really has nothing to do with someone being white trash).

But this week, I am once again going with a humorous little water ink delight that I found.

Next week I promise to go back to human beings.

A Tattoo? ME?!

You Should Get An All Over Tattoo

Outrageous and funky Because you should never have to choose just one tattoo

What Tattoo Should You Get?

I guess I better get started on my tattoos then.

And the Worst Person in the World Award goes to...

JOSE OFFERMAN
Here is a real reason for permanent banishment from baseball.

So many people have been up in arms about steroids in sports. They are illegal, yes, and I am no way condoning the use of them in any sport. But what I think is worse than injecting something to bulk you up into your body is using a solid peace of equipment against someone that is defenseless.

Up until yesterday, I never thought it would ever be a problem.

Thank you Jose Offerman for turning yourself into a formerly respected Major League Baseball player to a villain. Thank you for being another sports figured turned to soon to be felon. I hope you get all that you deserve for what you did, and I am not a judgmental, vengeful person.

I hope that the next diamond you see, are the ones you are selling to pay off the civil lawsuit you are facing. I hope you realize that you should NEVER EVER participate in another baseball, softball, or any organized sport again.

What kind of man takes a bat to someone. Yes you got hit by a pitch, but that is part of the game. Ball players expect it from time to time. But NO ONE ever expects to see a player coming at them with a bat, much less getting that bat swung at them.



Good Bye Jose, it was nice knowing you. Good riddance.

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Now playing on iTunes: Nickelback - Next Contestant
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My Day at the Park

My day at the park. It's amazing what things you get on your bday. (Like a sunburn from sitting in the sun for WAY TOO long)

The Turn of a New Decade

Just cause I'm 30 doesn't mean I'm over the hill.


That is right. Today is my 30th birthday. I still feel like I am 20 and sometimes act like I'm 17, but I am 30. And for me, life can only get better.

When The New Year started, I told myself that this year would be the best I've ever had, and so far it has.

As I begin to celebrate my 30th year of life (I'm starting by taking the day off from work), I start to look back at the many things I have accomplished so far.

To begin... I have traveled the world many times over. None of them because I was in the military (I love the military so don't think that is a knock on them). I've been to the Caribbean 4 times. Traveled to half of the 50 of the States, lived in 4 of them. I've been to Paris, France and I've been to Mexico.

I've been married and divorced. I've become a proud uncle twice. I've got great friends that will always be there for me and a family that is probably the most amazing that there is. If you have heard stories of the hard times that I had, I was probably only 18 and just mad cause I thought I knew better than anyone.

I'm an accomplished softball and tennis player, and am getting ready to start adult kickball.

I've had the same job for 10 years and am making a decent living with it. I have taken on a second job for extra cash, but I really don't need to.

And finally as I get ready to end this blog, I think the most important aspect of them all starts with this. I have my family, I have my friends, I have my job, I have my GOD. And all of these combined together make me very happy. Happier than I have ever been in my life.----------------
Now playing on iTunes: Finger Eleven - Paralyzer
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