Friday, August 31, 2007

Almost Home

Vacation is going by way too fast.

I'm back everyone, well temporarily. I'm still camping, but took a little journey today to get in on some sites. So of course I brought my laptop just in case I saw a starbucks on the way, and guess what... I did. With that said, I just wanted to let everyone know, that my vacation is almost over and I have some stories to tell. I'll give you a little preview.

1. The life and times of Tony the Tarantula.
2. The time I heard "I don't know how to pump gas".
3. Is that an echo I hear?

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Vacation Homes Galore

My next vacation home. This neighborhood has so many to choose from, but this is the one I am aiming for on my next Vacay.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Now is the feeling of what vacations should be

Welcome to relaxation JP.

Hopefully you will not hear much about much more about my vacation for the next couple of days. If things go as planned, what I will be doing will be boring, nothing exciting to write about, and completely relaxing. If you don't believe me, here is a synopsis of what I've done since I finally arrived at my hotel.


Sleep. Food. Sleep. Food. Sleep. Food. Sleep.
with a little bit of hanging with some friends mixed in between.

So needless to say, it has gotten much better. Plus, after spending the day in Malibu, CA. I got to "couch surf" at the Chateau De Tabbie, where she also unmercifully slaughtered me in 4 games of UNO and tell me I look like the "average american male". Don't worry a rematch is coming and I will at least put up a fight this time. I think her citrus martini had an affect on my card playing abilities, so I may have make this one a non-martini event.

Oh and for those of you that are wondering, here is a shot of the type of rental I got for my little strip tease at Budget. And, NO I DID NOT LET ANYONE TOUCH ME, so don't even ask.

----------------
Now playing: Jason Mraz - Welcome to Schubas (Medley)
via FoxyTunes

Monday, August 27, 2007

Vacation Day 2 - Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.

Aren't vacations supposed to be relaxing?

(I am sending this 2 days later because I've taken some time to just relax before posting this.)

It's 5:55am PST. Budget RentACar LAX airport. And I'm on the verge of becoming extremely insane. After landing at LAX at 1:35 in the morning, and then getting shuttled over to Budget, I have been sitting here for 4 plus hours. No it's not because I really like the people here, or that I want to bask in the glow that is now being in California. It is because my credit card company has decided that, even though they have recieved a payment from me, they are going to hold on to the money and see if I will turn into a murderous psycho maniac.

MC: "Sir, the policy is to hold the funds for 10 days to see if has really been sent by your bank."

JP: "Um ma'am, I sent those funds 4 days ago, you withdrew them from my account, I have no access to them and I am now in CALI-FUCKING-FORNIA trying to get a rental car."

MC: "We see a payment was posted yes, but we are not going to let you have, so sit there for two days and stink up the joint. (While she is quietly laughing under her breath)"

JP: "Is there any way that I can convince you to just let it go this one time and let me at least sleep in a cardboard box near where I am planning to stay"

Needless to say, it took 4 hours and and tap dance and a strip tease for the Budget, I finally get my funds.

But lets not stop there. Let me add this little tidbit....

While I am waiting to talk to someone who has at least a little compassion at my credit card company, one of the Budget male employees offers me a ride to a shuttle so I can at least get to my hotel on time... during the trip over, without even being provoked, this employee proceeds to tell me that 3 yrs ago, he used to give blow jobs for money.

WTF in all that is HOLY makes you think that I even want to know about your desire for sausage being stuffed in your mouth for money. I am not gay, I was not flirting with you, and that by no means makes me want to sit anywhere near you. Do not touch you man loving homosexual.

Thank God that I am now at my hotel and enjoying the pool and comfort of my sleep number bed.

** For those of you interested, it turns out that the offer for a "couch" was indeed real, and I am at this very moment, trying to get all the arrangements worked out.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Vacaton Day 1 - Can this GET any Worse?!?

Gawd I hope not!!!

Well vacation 2007 has started off with a bang so far. To say it has been an adventure would be downplaying the anguish that and many others had to face yesterday/last night/this morning.

I should of know when at 7:00 am on Friday, my first load of laundry was still wet and i had to be at work at 8.

Or maybe the "Did you lock the door?" question should of been a clue.

You see cause that is when it really started.

However, let's jump forward to 5:30pm, at Norfolk International Airport. I'm sitting on my plane, strapped in ready to embark on a journey of stinky sweaty people caged in a bus on wings to Hotlanta, when the following phrase was uttered "Bong! Ladies and Gentleman, now that you are a human version of sardines, we are now going to make you sit here for another hour and a half, because there are some pilots in the air scared of thunder and lightning."

So by the time 7:30 is rolling around, there are already 100+ people upset that not only has the flight been delayed, but now there is a chance of missing their connecting flights.

Well after finally landing in the city formerly known as the home of Michael Vick at approximately 9:45pm, it's off to find my now delayed flight to Los Angeles, Ca., which by the way was scheduled to depart at 9:40pm. That flight is now "scheduled" to depart at 12:05am, almost 2-1/2hrs late. I say scheduled, cause by the time all things are said and done, and after 4 delays, the flight ends up taking off at 12:30 and is only the middle of the casualty that my vacation has started out to be.

Trust me folks, day one is just the beginning... Day 2 starts out just as bad.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

An "anonymous" invitation by the Big Boobed Roommate?

An Alternate Vacation plan?

After the debacle that was the San Luis Obispo stage, an alternate plan has been recommended. It seems that the roommate of one of my favorite bloggers ( TAB, that would be your big boobed roommate I am talking about) offered me a place to crash instead of bumming around the streets and sleeping in the rental car.

If it's real, I am seriously considering the offer.

Now I know what you are saying, JP, we are talking about complete strangers, WTF are you thinking?! Well as it turns out, the law of six degrees of separation just may apply here. I know Imogen's Mom, Imogen's Mom knows DRB, and DRB apparently knows BBR & TAB. And besides you only live once, why the hell not?

Ok I know that is not 6 degrees, but you get the freaking point, don't judge me.

Well I think I'll have time to decide and find out if I'm getting played. I have to write some emails to write to see what the deal is on that.

----------------
Now playing: Jason Mraz - 10,000 Motherf***ers (Live from Montalvo)
via FoxyTunes


To all you parents with pre-pubecent children.

When it's time to have that "TALK", here is a way to have fun while doing it.

Filed Under: Parents 1, Smart Ass, Teenage Son, 0

I almost peed laughing reading this.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

My White Trash Hero

Thank you Charmed!!!! You have no idea what you just started.


"Just once. It was before Cd's. Don't Judge Me"


"Listen, now I know on the outside I look like a sweety sweetheart, but trust me on the inside, I'm 100% bitch. I even have a T-shirt that says it. Got it as a Mother's Day present."


"You'd be laughing if you could see how I spelled that in my head"


----------------
Now playing on iTunes: Ludacris - Slap
via FoxyTunes

Crash, Bang, Dead!

I dropped my phone!!!! and the glass on the screen shattered.


Thank God for insurance!!
----------------
Now playing on iTunes: Daughtry - Feels Like Tonight
via FoxyTunes

So that's the real you....

And you couldn't tell me this before I booked my plane ticket?!?!?!

Ok, so it's official. Part of my vacation is "ruined". Not that I didn't sort of expect it, but still I'm a little peeved.

Let me explain. As everyone knows I have been planning my California vacation for quite some time. 3 months to be exact. It is going to be fun and relaxing at the same time. I was going to see family I haven't seen in 20 years and some friends as well. I was even going to meet some new ones that I had met via Myspace. And from the get go, I had been very open with what my plans were. I mean, I friggin wrote a blog about it for the world to see for crying out loud.

Well anyway, last night I received a sort of bombshell.

The friend I was going to hang with in San Luis Obispo, has turned out to be a fake. Complete from head to toe. The person I was going to see was supposed to be a single, 25 yr old female with a kid (which didn't bother me). She even told me AS I WAS PLANNING MY VACATION that she couldn't wait to see me.

So she calls me last night, and begins to tell me (in not so many words) "Hey JP I'm a fraud. Everything I told you was a lie. I am a sad person that has to make up a story about who I am because I have no life, I am unhappy, and I need some serious help." DAMN right you do!

So it turns out, that while she is 25, she has 2 kids, doesn't live anywhere near where she said she did, and more importantly is not single.

Oh well, it's a damn good thing I didn't have too much invested in her and that I wasn't going to just see her. Now I need to just find things to do fill those days that were going to be spent with her.

Damnit! Why couldn't Imogen's Mom come with me?!
----------------
Now playing on iTunes: Linkin Park - Bleed It Out
via FoxyTunes

Friday, August 17, 2007

Friday's Trash

My Weekly installments of White Trash Viewings.

This week, I've a couple of sights that I could tell you about.

I've seen the 300 pound woman wearing a tube top smaller with less material than I have in my socks.
I've seen the teenage dirty blond girl that flirts with anything with a penis.
I've been to the house that permeates of pet dander from the second you open the door.
And then there was JOSE OFFERMAN (don't say it, color really has nothing to do with someone being white trash).

But this week, I am once again going with a humorous little water ink delight that I found.

Next week I promise to go back to human beings.

A Tattoo? ME?!

You Should Get An All Over Tattoo

Outrageous and funky
Because you should never have to choose just one tattoo


I guess I better get started on my tattoos then.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

And the Worst Person in the World Award goes to...

JOSE OFFERMAN
Here is a real reason for permanent banishment from baseball.

So many people have been up in arms about steroids in sports. They are illegal, yes, and I am no way condoning the use of them in any sport. But what I think is worse than injecting something to bulk you up into your body is using a solid peace of equipment against someone that is defenseless.

Up until yesterday, I never thought it would ever be a problem.

Thank you Jose Offerman for turning yourself into a formerly respected Major League Baseball player to a villain. Thank you for being another sports figured turned to soon to be felon. I hope you get all that you deserve for what you did, and I am not a judgmental, vengeful person.

I hope that the next diamond you see, are the ones you are selling to pay off the civil lawsuit you are facing. I hope you realize that you should NEVER EVER participate in another baseball, softball, or any organized sport again.

What kind of man takes a bat to someone. Yes you got hit by a pitch, but that is part of the game. Ball players expect it from time to time. But NO ONE ever expects to see a player coming at them with a bat, much less getting that bat swung at them.



Good Bye Jose, it was nice knowing you. Good riddance.

----------------
Now playing on iTunes: Nickelback - Next Contestant
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

My Day at the Park

My day at the park. It's amazing what things you get on your bday. (Like a sunburn from sitting in the sun for WAY TOO long)

Monday, August 13, 2007

The Turn of a New Decade

Just cause I'm 30 doesn't mean I'm over the hill.


That is right. Today is my 30th birthday. I still feel like I am 20 and sometimes act like I'm 17, but I am 30. And for me, life can only get better.

When The New Year started, I told myself that this year would be the best I've ever had, and so far it has.

As I begin to celebrate my 30th year of life (I'm starting by taking the day off from work), I start to look back at the many things I have accomplished so far.

To begin... I have traveled the world many times over. None of them because I was in the military (I love the military so don't think that is a knock on them). I've been to the Caribbean 4 times. Traveled to half of the 50 of the States, lived in 4 of them. I've been to Paris, France and I've been to Mexico.

I've been married and divorced. I've become a proud uncle twice. I've got great friends that will always be there for me and a family that is probably the most amazing that there is. If you have heard stories of the hard times that I had, I was probably only 18 and just mad cause I thought I knew better than anyone.

I'm an accomplished softball and tennis player, and am getting ready to start adult kickball.

I've had the same job for 10 years and am making a decent living with it. I have taken on a second job for extra cash, but I really don't need to.

And finally as I get ready to end this blog, I think the most important aspect of them all starts with this. I have my family, I have my friends, I have my job, I have my GOD. And all of these combined together make me very happy. Happier than I have ever been in my life.----------------
Now playing on iTunes: Finger Eleven - Paralyzer
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Upgrade

The new and improved Infamous Whip.

In a period of 5 months I have gotten my second new car. Yes I said 5 months, and no nothing was wrong with the first one. I was actually pulled in by the dealers attempt to get some more used car stock and get a little more money from me, but in the long run it is worth it.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Friday's Trash

No new sights but a great pic.

Haven't had many white trash sightings this week, but I did come along a great cartoon of White Trash that I'd love to share with you.

Say hello to my dream trailer park ho in water color ink...


And then Imogen's Mom Sent me this....


Who's White Trash Now?! It's ok I still love her.
----------------
Now playing on iTunes: Evanescence - Cloud Nine
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Somebody PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!! *UPDATE*

I can't get this song out of my head and I'm getting sick.

Yesterday while going through my list of blogs at work, I fell prey to one of the most disturbing songs I have ever heard. But unlike the normally sane person I am, I kept listening to it and now. I CAN'T GET THAT SONG OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!

Nothing is working. Not even my favorite song, not even singing to myself 867-5309 (which almost always works when I am trying to get a song of my head). Every time I try, I'll get it out of my head for a second, then someone will ask my what I am doing and then it starts all over again.

Can someone please please help me get rid of this torture.

On a Brighter note...

I joined a adult kickball league today. Well as the person that told me about it tells me it's actually a drinking league that plays kickball. I'm looking forward to that. Maybe they can help me stop thinking about "What What" ahh NO I just did it to myself!!!!

*UPDATE*
I've been cured. Yesterday after reading my blog, someone suggested a song that completely made me forget the "What What" song. Their suggestion was kind of like REHAB for me. And yes that was a pun....

----------------
Now playing on iTunes: 3 Doors Down - Kryptonite (iTunes Originals Version)
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

From Infamous, to Invisible, back to Infamous

For those of you that have been wondering where I have been, I have not been ignoring my blog. I've just been busy working and planning my California excursion that I will be taking at the end of the month.

So far these are my vacation plans. It is tentative right now and open for change.

After getting my malaria and hepatitis vaccinations that I will need to get (as recommended by TAB), I will be getting my gun license for my arrival in Los Angeles.

From there I will proceed to just outside of Granada Hills to spend sometime with my grandparents before fleeing to the outdoors of the KOA campgrounds in Santa Margarita where I will relax for a couple of days.

And for my final leg of my trip, I will be visiting some friends in San Luis Obispo before heading into the city of LA again to fly home.

Now... if anyone has any ideas of what kind of nightlife I can find for my first leg of my trip. Please feel free to send me some suggestions.

----------------
Now playing on iTunes: Jason Mraz - Tonight, Not Again
via FoxyTunes

Friday, August 03, 2007

Vacation is Coming

Destination: Californ-E-I-A

I have been planning my first real vacation in years and I can begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to it.

I've taken vacations before, but not like this one. Previous destinations have included; Paris, Jamaica, Mexico, Haiti and various destinations visit family.

What is so different about this one is simply this, I am going by myself this time.

My plans will include meeting up with some friends in the Los Angeles Area and taking in a Dodger game or two and of course some of the famous California nightlife.

And for those of you thinking of asking... NO I WILL NOT HUNT DOWN PARIS, LINDSAY, OR BRITTANY FOR YOU.

I will however do my best to try and get an autograph or two from Alyssa Milano. *drool*


----------------
Now playing on iTunes: T.I. featuring Alfa Mega & Busta Rhymes - Hurt
via FoxyTunes

----------------
Now playing on iTunes: T.I. - Help Is Coming
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, August 02, 2007

In all Seriousness

My Heart goes out to those in Minnesota

While I usually try to keep my post less on the serious side and try to keep things of a lighthearted nature, I would like to extend my condolences to those that were involved or know someone that was involved in the bridge collapse in Minnesota.

Trash Part 2

Q: What do you get when you bring the trash out of the trailer park?
A: Trash with Class.


(The Ambiguous Blob this is just for you)

Another lunch break another trash siting. This time I was in a mall, eating my Chik-Fil-A club sammich minding my own business when it happened.

Imagine if you will, a woman in her early 60's, 5'3 tall, a cane in one hand, a purse in the other. Now imagine her with the perkiest set of tits you've ever seen in your life. I swear this lady must of just gotten a boob job. Wrinkles everywhere except for the two flesh mounds on her chest.

And how do I know this? She was wearing one of the those low cut, cleavage wearing shirts, that I love seeing at the bar on a 20-30 year old, but not on a mall shopping Martha Stewart.

As my eyes followed her across the room, I could not believe it...

P.S. From the response that I got from my first trash story, there will be many more to come. Simply because, lets be honest, whether you are white, black, hispanic, asian, or blacktino, there is a little white trash in all of us.