Sun, Fun, and Nearly Asleep Sayings

Memorial Day weekends is the unofficial kickoff of the summer season. It's usually when the average person starts having weekend Bar-B-Q's outside and the official start of the warm weather tourists season. Most people travel to see loved ones and friends. Some stay home and have a cookout or visit the beach, the lake or some other place where you can find relaxation. And for some it's that time of year when they forget to wear the sunblock and turn into a human radish and hate anyone that tries to even think about touching them.

For me I had a little bit of everything. From traveling to see some friends, a trip to the beach, and then a search for any type of aloe lotion that will lie to you and tell you it will heal your sunburn almost instantly. God I love summer!

Hi. My name is John. Nice to meet you.

This weekend I had the privilege of meeting one of my favorite bloggers; Catherinette. Let me tell you guys, she is the same away from her blog. I'm not just talking the quick witted comments or the "boozy suzy" part either. I'm talking the 14 yr old teenage girl trapped in a "older" body (I'm not gonna reveal her age). Want proof?

Scenario #1:
While at dinner with Catherinette and another blogger, Newmie, at Claddagh Pub in Baltimore, we somehow got on the conversation about CS's unhealthy fear of squirrels. Our waiter (who by the way was a barrel of laughs. And by barrel of laughs I mean he obviously had no interest in serving us) told us a story about an old man surrounded by the furry little devils "eating nuts" out of his hand. We then switch subjects and just as the waiter leaves, CS comes up with this gold nugget:

OK, I just have to back up to what the waiter said about eating nuts out of his hand and say..... THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

Scenario #2:
At same dinner, where I ordered a steak, I mention to the table. "Mmm this meat is good" and with out missing a beat I hear the infamous phrase: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

This continued for the entire time and I, being a guy, was laughing at every single one.

I'm thinking of a black cat..... And then Sebastian saved the squirrel.

Those close to me know that if I am having a conversation with someone late at night and I get to that where I am a second from falling asleep, I will start to speak nonsense. Such was the case on Saturday night.

After a day filled with a trip to an art museum, a nice little coffee shop near Federal Hill in Baltimore, a trip to Wegmans (my absolute favorite place to get food for any reason), and to a wine vineyard, I was just a little tired. During a conversation with some friends, my exhaustion started to over take me and then I uttered the phrase above.

I'm so glad that those there with me could get a laugh on my behalf.

Ok, why didn't you pack the freaking sunblock?!

While I had such a great time in Baltimore, my day in D.C. left me a little sore. And I'm talking sore in that I know look like a lobster. A freaking cooked lobster that is sitting on your plate, red as hell, ready to be eaten. For some reason, I keep forgetting that 3hrs in direct sun watching a baseball game, will make your skin a wonderfully red hue, and even more red when you forget to wear sunblock.

So for the past 2 days, I've been applying an ungodly amount of Aloe Vera to make the pain go away and keep from looking like a snake coming out of my skin a week from now. Now I feel like I'm all sweaty and sticky.

"That's what she said"

Things not to think while in a meeting with your boss...

This morning, my boss called me in for a meeting with 3 other people. During the meeting the following phrase was uttered:

"18 inches seems unrealistic, so I'd like to see 6"

My first thought:

"So would your wife"

The momentary silence and light chuckling that followed indicated that I was not the only one thinking along the same lines....

A text to brighten my day.

Sometimes the simple things make me happy.

After the day I have been having so far, I was either going to need some alcohol or some other stress relief to brighten my day.

I would like to thank a fellow blogger for sending me the following text message to achieve the needed results without me having to get trashed in the process:

Omg. A lady at the docs office just said "smile everybody-we're getting u thru as fast as we can!" give me 1 good reason why I should let her live

Said blogger shall remain anonymous to protect their identity, but thank you for the laugh. I know how hard it was for them not to kill me when I uttered the words "smile" to them before.

Kevin Smith gets his revenge.

How to respond to someone tells you that you suck

That Boy is SMART!!!

Yeah that is MY NEPHEW!!

My youngest sister and her son, who is a year and a half, are in town for two weeks on vacation and we were catching up last night over dinner with the rest of the family. He's a very smart kid for his age and is aware of EVERYTHING going on around him.

While eating some of the best chicken I've had in a long long long time, mother and son were telling numerous stories of things that had happened recently. Most were cute little stories about balls and cars and other little boy stories that you just can't help but laugh at. I'm serious, how can you not laugh at someone that young telling a story about the new police car toy he got with the enthusiasm of a 30 yr old winning the lottery. Talk about excitement.

During one of those stories, he begin to tell of a car that he had seen one day that was going really fast. And then out of that little boys mouth came the following words (spelled the exact way they came out of his mouth) "And the caar went scccccuuuuurrrr". That boy just described a car coming to a sudden stop with a sound that was almost realistic. I'm telling you that boy is a genius.

Bill Gates... go ahead... pass the torch now. It's inevitable. You are going down!!!

My Day at the Park

My day at the park. It's amazing what things you get on your bday. (Like a sunburn from sitting in the sun for WAY TOO long)

Somebody PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!! *UPDATE*

I can't get this song out of my head and I'm getting sick.

Yesterday while going through my list of blogs at work, I fell prey to one of the most disturbing songs I have ever heard. But unlike the normally sane person I am, I kept listening to it and now. I CAN'T GET THAT SONG OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!

Nothing is working. Not even my favorite song, not even singing to myself 867-5309 (which almost always works when I am trying to get a song of my head). Every time I try, I'll get it out of my head for a second, then someone will ask my what I am doing and then it starts all over again.

Can someone please please help me get rid of this torture.

On a Brighter note...

I joined a adult kickball league today. Well as the person that told me about it tells me it's actually a drinking league that plays kickball. I'm looking forward to that. Maybe they can help me stop thinking about "What What" ahh NO I just did it to myself!!!!

*UPDATE*
I've been cured. Yesterday after reading my blog, someone suggested a song that completely made me forget the "What What" song. Their suggestion was kind of like REHAB for me. And yes that was a pun....

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Now playing on iTunes: 3 Doors Down - Kryptonite (iTunes Originals Version)
via FoxyTunes

A Poll of Importance

Who should I be?

For those that may be interested in voting, I have posted a poll off to the left of what the best nickname I have is.

I guess I'm really bored.

That or I am a huge nerd and I have nothing better to do than ask a stupid poll question. (That may be my next poll question, depending on the popularity of the one I have now).

So vote once and if you can vote twice.

It's like sucking air through a straw

Roger Federer I am not!!!

Forehand, backhand, forehand, forehand, drop shot, backhand. That is what I did yesterday. That's right I played tennis. Inspired by the Wimbledon Final of Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal, I got out there and played tennis for the first time in years.

That was also sequence it took for me to realize how freaking out of shape I really am. Cause after just 6 strokes and 15 minutes, I came up, hands on my hips breathing heavy and sweating like a fat man rolling out of bed. Granted it was 90 some degrees and the sun was shining right on my face, but it just proved how little I've done since the high school when I was able to last for 2 hours and still probably go another hour.

My dreams of making a pro tennis debut are ruined. First No American Idol, now this. My ideas for becoming famous are starting to dwindle.

My next idea is to dethrone Tiger Woods... Let's hope that they allow mulligans on the Pro Tour.

Karaoke: The American Idol Prerequisite

SCREECHING IN VA BEACH

Fox Broadcasting may not like what I am about to say, but I think it needs to be said.

GOING TO A KARAOKE BAR AND SINGING SHOULD BE A REQUIREMENT FOR ALL FUTURE AMERICAN IDOL CONTESTANTS.

We've seen them all. The William Hung's, the girl imitating the Wizard of Oz lion, and even Sanjayah's made so famous by American Idol. People willing to go on national television and make complete fools of themselves to get their 15 minutes of fame. (Sanjayah's 15 were 14 minutes and 59 seconds too long). Some think they are talented and that Simon, Paula, and Randy are clueless when they don't get those Golden Willy Wonka Tickets to Hollywood.

If only they had a clue about what they really sounded like, they could save you, me, and the rest of the world, money on tylenol after listening to them.

With that being said... I have to confess, that I would be one of the first cut by that new karaoke rule.

I too was thinking about trying to enter the next American Idol popularity contest next year. That is until I found Poppa's Pub. Thanks to them for making me realize, that I was not a diamond in the rough hiding from the entertainment world.

P.S. Brad Arnold and Bob Segar.... I'm sorry to say that disgusting feeling you felt at 11:00 PM EST on June 24, 2007 was the your stomach turning knowing that somewhere in the world, I was destroying a great song.

White not Black.

We've all done it...
We all do it. Whether we are tired, a little tipsy, or even just speaking before we think.

Last night it was my turn. And it was funny when I said....

It's 11pm. I'm on beer #6 and we show how started playing Quarters Basketball with a penny. And then out of nowhere these words come out of my mouth....

"PB.... I MAY BE WHITE, BUT I'M NOT BLACK"

Two seconds of silence and then belly roaring laughter for the next 10 minutes.

I know what you are thinking.... You wish you had said it first, but sorry, you can't claim it.

2 more Days til Busch Gardens 2007 Part II

Where is my Camera when I need it...
I miss my camera.

I used to have a very good digital camera that a former family member gave me as an engagement gift. Unfortunately, shortly after someone left, it disappeared. Coincidence? I think not. But that is neither here nor there. Reason I am so distraught is because I had a perfect picture taking opportunity. There they are sitting at the mouth of the Chesapeake Bay. Their anchors in the sand below. All prepared for their morning journey to Waterside in Downtown Norfolk for Harborfest. I'm talking about large sailboats. Not those fiberglass water ski's that have a sail and motor. I'm talking about Pirates of the Carribean, Master & Commander type sailboats.

I am there standing in the sand looking at these beauties when all around me people have their cameras out snapping away. I am sitting there just looking. I even called Imogen's Mom to tell her of what was going on and she wasn't able to come. Can you believe it? A moment so memorable and I have nothing but my memory to refresh them with.

I miss my camera.

Joke of the day...

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:

Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.

The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.

The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...

Sadie Danielle Update....
Check you this update on Sadie Danielle. Such an cute little one. Can't wait to go see her for the first time. Caleb was so excited about the arrival of the new baby that when "Mommy was feeding the baby and explaining to Caleb about how she eats. Caleb pulled up his shirt and said “Caleb’s turn.”". LOL!!!

Day 2 of the Mini Vacation

Late Excuses....
Everyone has heard of the outrageous late excuses that have been used. Apart from the I overslept and traffic excuses, most companies rarely hear many oddball excuses. I say most, because, where I work it seems like a new excuse comes everyday. This morning our secretary passed out a list of them. Here they are....

AGI Acceptable List of "I was late because" excuses.

1. Employee was poisoned by mother-in-law.
2. Employee's grandmother died (again).
3. Employee was feeling all th symptoms of his expecting wife or daughter.
4. Employee called from his cell phon, saying he was accidentally locked in a restroom stall and that no one was around to let him out.
5. Employee tried to re-wire car electrical system to add a few dozen lights and now car will not run.
   
6. Employee's house burned down.
7. Employee's mother was in jail.
8. Employee's arm hurts.
9. Employee was sad or distracted. (I'm proud of this one)
10. Employee had to take son(s) to court AGAIN.
11. Employee has fallen and can't get up.

It's alive!!!
I think I created a monster... She started a blog. She knows who she is so I won't mention names (we'll call her Imogen's future mom for now thought), but now she is going to be blogging as well as myspacing. What have I done? And you know what is worse... I am not sorry!





joke of the day...
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"

Vacation at the Office.

While the boss is away....
This is going to be one interesting week. I get to have sort of a mini vacation this week with out taking off of work and with out going anywhere. It is going to be relaxing, fun and it will be worth it. How did that happen you ask? Well... the president and vice president of the company got the privilege of taking a trip outside of the United States for a job. This means that unlike any other time that they are out of the office, it would be an extraordinary chore for them to call into the office and ruin the fun that we are having. So that means, that instead of hustling and bustling to get things done, I can chill and slow down a little. I can also goof off a little more...

Update on me...
Yesterday someone corrected me about something... I did not suck at marriage, but rather I just was a victim.