Recap Finale

This is it. If you want to know more ask me and I will tell you.

Ok, here is the last and final installment of my Vacation stories. This one is more of a series of small mental notes I made during my trip.

1. California is HUGE!! If I was planning on visiting the entire state, I would need more than a week to do so.
2. I found out that Keenan Ivory Wayans knows the intricacies of spankings, and that he is into bondage. I was disturbed by the, but at the same token, the person who told me that... can "whip" me anytime.
3. Airsofting is fun. Thank you TTT and JNA for taking me.
4. TTT, thank you for spending that Sunday with me. I REALLY enjoyed myself.
5. If you ever get the chance to "couch surf" with someone do it. You'll never know the kind of interesting people you might meet. TAB is a very interesting woman. 2 days was not enough time to talk to her.
6. William Randolph Hearst was one materialistic son of a bitch. 22 Karat gold everywhere in your pool house?! Are you effing serious?!
7. I LOVE college towns. Especially small college towns. Guys you know what I am talking about!!

Now that vacation is over and I have shared my stories, it's back to business as usual. And that, frankly, does not excite me.

Vacation Recap #3

Vacation 2007 Recap cont'd

I promised you some stories from my vacation, and I am going to follow through with those promises. They will come over the next couple of posts...

Is that an echo I hear?

During my 30 yrs I've been through many storms, both because of nature and because of circumstances in my life.

I've been in earthquakes.
I've experienced floods.
I've been frozen by blizzards.
I've weathered a Category 2 hurricane.
I've seen and heard thunderstorms.

But I was not prepared for what I heard on my first night in Santa Margarita.

We've all been there. I storm comes out of nowhere and the lightning and thunder start. The flash of the sky as the electrons break through the atmosphere. The roar of the thunder that rolls right behind it. Sometimes they come at the same time.

That night was unlike any other those times except for one detail: the echo.

Now I'm not positive about this, but apparently, when there are thunderstorms in the mountains of California, there is an echo. The rolling thunder didn't sound the same. It almost seemed empty. Kind of that I'm only going through the motions cause I really don't want to make a sound type of empty.

Don't get me wrong, it was still loud, it had to be to wake me out of my sleep like it did. It just didn't have the same, I'm destroying something feel I get from the storms we have in Virginia.

Story Time continues.

Vacation 2007 Recap Cont'd

I promised you some stories from my vacation, and I am going to follow through with those promises. They will come over the next couple of posts...

The time I heard "I don't know how to pump gas"

Yes I actually heard that phrase come out of someone's mouth. No it was not from a child.

Apparently there are some states out there that pamper their drivers and prevent them from getting out of the car and being responsible for gas. I know New Jersey is like that. I've been there a couple of times and didn't have to get out my vehicle to receive more fuel. Parts of that I like (it's so much easier when it's 10 degrees below to have someone else do it), parts of it I hate (I have to tip these poor people now, because it has got to be murder to do that all day long).

That being said, there is still no excuse why anyone should not know where to stick the nozzle if they leave the comfort those states.

Apparently this one young 23 yr old female, didn't get that memo.

On my one excursion day fleeing the heat of is now know as the Hill of Hades, I was on my way to Hearst Castle. On my way I stopped to get some gas at a small gas station in San Luis Obispo. When I got there, there were 5 people huddled around the back of a Isuzu Trooper (3 guys, 2 girls). I didn't really pay attention to what they were huddling about. I did check to see if they had presidential masks and shotguns, but to my joy they did not.

So I get out, pump my gas, go inside to drain the weasel, wash my hands, buy Imogen's Mom her shot glass souvenir, and go to the counter. At that moment, the ring leader of the group walks in the store, walks up to the man at the counter and utters this phrase"

"HI I'M FROM ORE-EE-GAWN, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUMP GAS. CAN YOU HELP ME?"

It took all of my strength not to burst out in "belly-rolling laughter" right then and there. It was even harder when the attendant looked at me and telepathically said, "I think I just piddled myself. That has to be the funniest thing I have heard since you got beat 4 times at Uno".

So for all of you Oregonians and New Jerseyians out there, here is a lesson on how to pump gas.

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Now playing on iTunes: Kanye West - Stronger
via FoxyTunes

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Now playing on iTunes: 50 Cent - Ayo Technology
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It's Story time Boys and Girls

The Vacation 2007 Recap begins.

So here it is, my first day back at work, after long, well needed vacation, and you know what I am ready for... my NEXT vacation. Anyway, I promised you some stories from my vacation, and I am going to follow through with those promises. They will come over the next couple of posts...

The Life and Times of Tony the Tarantula.

After spending a couple of days enjoying the city life of California, it was time to head back to nature. So into the mountains of Santa Margarita to do some "roughing it". I get to my location and I am lucky to get the shaded campsite that is secluded. The are hills behind me and the road leading to the site, no other people around, and the bugs and mosquitoes seem to have taken some time off. Life is good. Until Thursday.

Tony was a young hairy beast. He probably measured to be about 5" in span with prickly black hair everywhere. He was also very adventurous.

That day, he decided to go on a leisurely walk. It just so happened, there was a tent in his territory he had never seen before. He determined he would check out this new development and welcome his new neighbor.

Unfortunately I do not like spiders. I'm not scared of them, but I have been known to kill my share of arachnids.

So as Tony starts coming my way, I decided I would try and protect my territory. I grabbed the newspaper I was going to use to start the fire, rolled it up and... hit the ground in front of him. (I'm not a savage people, well at least not at this point).

He stopped. And then he began walking again. I hit the ground again. He stopped and then started walking again.

Unfazed at this point, but still not wanting a eight-legged bunk mate for the evening, I needed another way to show him he was not welcome. So I grab the bug spray I had, my lighter and aimed it at him. Just then I heard Smokey the Bear say to me, "JP, now you know that 'Only You can prevent....' Holy S**t that thing is huge, torch the motha!"

So I took the can, lit the lighter and... sprayed in his direction, but not on him. I do have somewhat of a heart. I just wanted him to go away. But he didn't like that. Matter of fact I think I made him mad. I say this because instead of being the cute little creature he was before, he now only had 4 of his eight legs on the ground and the others were in what looked like attack mode.

OH S**T!!!

At this point, is when things got real. I had to stop playing. Obviously he quit playing too.

I didn't want to waste any more of my bug spray and I didn't want to waste my kindling, so I had to do something else. And then I saw it. 7 inches in diameter, 3 inches tall and shaped perfectly for my hand and perfectly for his head.

I think the rock was probably about 8lbs in weight to me, but to Tony, it could of been 2 tons. I don't know.

As I slowly crawl towards this boulder of death, Tony watched me. I could see my reflection in 6 of his eyes as he followed me with his gaze. Closer and closer I came to the object of my desire, the more he turned to keep me in front of him.

My fingers touched it, my palm grazed it, and I picked it up, and in one swift motion, I grabbed it, picked it up, rotated my arm and forcefully placed the rock back on the ground right on top of Tony. There was no screaming, no pleads for me to stop, no crunch. Just the sound of rock thumping on the ground.

I gave my adversary a proper funeral. Like the mighty Achilleus and Darth Vader, I burned him and said farewell to my friend my foe.

Rest in Peace Tony.

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Now playing on iTunes: Jason Mraz - Galaxy (Live)
via FoxyTunes

Almost Home

Vacation is going by way too fast.

I'm back everyone, well temporarily. I'm still camping, but took a little journey today to get in on some sites. So of course I brought my laptop just in case I saw a starbucks on the way, and guess what... I did. With that said, I just wanted to let everyone know, that my vacation is almost over and I have some stories to tell. I'll give you a little preview.

1. The life and times of Tony the Tarantula.
2. The time I heard "I don't know how to pump gas".
3. Is that an echo I hear?

Vacation Homes Galore

My next vacation home. This neighborhood has so many to choose from, but this is the one I am aiming for on my next Vacay.

Now is the feeling of what vacations should be

Welcome to relaxation JP.

Hopefully you will not hear much about much more about my vacation for the next couple of days. If things go as planned, what I will be doing will be boring, nothing exciting to write about, and completely relaxing. If you don't believe me, here is a synopsis of what I've done since I finally arrived at my hotel.


Sleep. Food. Sleep. Food. Sleep. Food. Sleep.
with a little bit of hanging with some friends mixed in between.

So needless to say, it has gotten much better. Plus, after spending the day in Malibu, CA. I got to "couch surf" at the Chateau De Tabbie, where she also unmercifully slaughtered me in 4 games of UNO and tell me I look like the "average american male". Don't worry a rematch is coming and I will at least put up a fight this time. I think her citrus martini had an affect on my card playing abilities, so I may have make this one a non-martini event.

Oh and for those of you that are wondering, here is a shot of the type of rental I got for my little strip tease at Budget. And, NO I DID NOT LET ANYONE TOUCH ME, so don't even ask.

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Now playing: Jason Mraz - Welcome to Schubas (Medley)
via FoxyTunes

Vacation Day 2 - Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.

Aren't vacations supposed to be relaxing?

(I am sending this 2 days later because I've taken some time to just relax before posting this.)

It's 5:55am PST. Budget RentACar LAX airport. And I'm on the verge of becoming extremely insane. After landing at LAX at 1:35 in the morning, and then getting shuttled over to Budget, I have been sitting here for 4 plus hours. No it's not because I really like the people here, or that I want to bask in the glow that is now being in California. It is because my credit card company has decided that, even though they have recieved a payment from me, they are going to hold on to the money and see if I will turn into a murderous psycho maniac.

MC: "Sir, the policy is to hold the funds for 10 days to see if has really been sent by your bank."

JP: "Um ma'am, I sent those funds 4 days ago, you withdrew them from my account, I have no access to them and I am now in CALI-FUCKING-FORNIA trying to get a rental car."

MC: "We see a payment was posted yes, but we are not going to let you have, so sit there for two days and stink up the joint. (While she is quietly laughing under her breath)"

JP: "Is there any way that I can convince you to just let it go this one time and let me at least sleep in a cardboard box near where I am planning to stay"

Needless to say, it took 4 hours and and tap dance and a strip tease for the Budget, I finally get my funds.

But lets not stop there. Let me add this little tidbit....

While I am waiting to talk to someone who has at least a little compassion at my credit card company, one of the Budget male employees offers me a ride to a shuttle so I can at least get to my hotel on time... during the trip over, without even being provoked, this employee proceeds to tell me that 3 yrs ago, he used to give blow jobs for money.

WTF in all that is HOLY makes you think that I even want to know about your desire for sausage being stuffed in your mouth for money. I am not gay, I was not flirting with you, and that by no means makes me want to sit anywhere near you. Do not touch you man loving homosexual.

Thank God that I am now at my hotel and enjoying the pool and comfort of my sleep number bed.

** For those of you interested, it turns out that the offer for a "couch" was indeed real, and I am at this very moment, trying to get all the arrangements worked out.

Vacaton Day 1 - Can this GET any Worse?!?

Gawd I hope not!!!

Well vacation 2007 has started off with a bang so far. To say it has been an adventure would be downplaying the anguish that and many others had to face yesterday/last night/this morning.

I should of know when at 7:00 am on Friday, my first load of laundry was still wet and i had to be at work at 8.

Or maybe the "Did you lock the door?" question should of been a clue.

You see cause that is when it really started.

However, let's jump forward to 5:30pm, at Norfolk International Airport. I'm sitting on my plane, strapped in ready to embark on a journey of stinky sweaty people caged in a bus on wings to Hotlanta, when the following phrase was uttered "Bong! Ladies and Gentleman, now that you are a human version of sardines, we are now going to make you sit here for another hour and a half, because there are some pilots in the air scared of thunder and lightning."

So by the time 7:30 is rolling around, there are already 100+ people upset that not only has the flight been delayed, but now there is a chance of missing their connecting flights.

Well after finally landing in the city formerly known as the home of Michael Vick at approximately 9:45pm, it's off to find my now delayed flight to Los Angeles, Ca., which by the way was scheduled to depart at 9:40pm. That flight is now "scheduled" to depart at 12:05am, almost 2-1/2hrs late. I say scheduled, cause by the time all things are said and done, and after 4 delays, the flight ends up taking off at 12:30 and is only the middle of the casualty that my vacation has started out to be.

Trust me folks, day one is just the beginning... Day 2 starts out just as bad.