Sun, Fun, and Nearly Asleep Sayings

Memorial Day weekends is the unofficial kickoff of the summer season. It's usually when the average person starts having weekend Bar-B-Q's outside and the official start of the warm weather tourists season. Most people travel to see loved ones and friends. Some stay home and have a cookout or visit the beach, the lake or some other place where you can find relaxation. And for some it's that time of year when they forget to wear the sunblock and turn into a human radish and hate anyone that tries to even think about touching them.

For me I had a little bit of everything. From traveling to see some friends, a trip to the beach, and then a search for any type of aloe lotion that will lie to you and tell you it will heal your sunburn almost instantly. God I love summer!

Hi. My name is John. Nice to meet you.

This weekend I had the privilege of meeting one of my favorite bloggers; Catherinette. Let me tell you guys, she is the same away from her blog. I'm not just talking the quick witted comments or the "boozy suzy" part either. I'm talking the 14 yr old teenage girl trapped in a "older" body (I'm not gonna reveal her age). Want proof?

Scenario #1:
While at dinner with Catherinette and another blogger, Newmie, at Claddagh Pub in Baltimore, we somehow got on the conversation about CS's unhealthy fear of squirrels. Our waiter (who by the way was a barrel of laughs. And by barrel of laughs I mean he obviously had no interest in serving us) told us a story about an old man surrounded by the furry little devils "eating nuts" out of his hand. We then switch subjects and just as the waiter leaves, CS comes up with this gold nugget:

OK, I just have to back up to what the waiter said about eating nuts out of his hand and say..... THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

Scenario #2:
At same dinner, where I ordered a steak, I mention to the table. "Mmm this meat is good" and with out missing a beat I hear the infamous phrase: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

This continued for the entire time and I, being a guy, was laughing at every single one.

I'm thinking of a black cat..... And then Sebastian saved the squirrel.

Those close to me know that if I am having a conversation with someone late at night and I get to that where I am a second from falling asleep, I will start to speak nonsense. Such was the case on Saturday night.

After a day filled with a trip to an art museum, a nice little coffee shop near Federal Hill in Baltimore, a trip to Wegmans (my absolute favorite place to get food for any reason), and to a wine vineyard, I was just a little tired. During a conversation with some friends, my exhaustion started to over take me and then I uttered the phrase above.

I'm so glad that those there with me could get a laugh on my behalf.

Ok, why didn't you pack the freaking sunblock?!

While I had such a great time in Baltimore, my day in D.C. left me a little sore. And I'm talking sore in that I know look like a lobster. A freaking cooked lobster that is sitting on your plate, red as hell, ready to be eaten. For some reason, I keep forgetting that 3hrs in direct sun watching a baseball game, will make your skin a wonderfully red hue, and even more red when you forget to wear sunblock.

So for the past 2 days, I've been applying an ungodly amount of Aloe Vera to make the pain go away and keep from looking like a snake coming out of my skin a week from now. Now I feel like I'm all sweaty and sticky.

"That's what she said"

Is it just me...

or is Rumplemintz like Extacy in liquid form?

I think it is.

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Now playing: Jason Mraz - Good Orderly Direction
via FoxyTunes

Things not to think while in a meeting with your boss...

This morning, my boss called me in for a meeting with 3 other people. During the meeting the following phrase was uttered:

"18 inches seems unrealistic, so I'd like to see 6"

My first thought:

"So would your wife"

The momentary silence and light chuckling that followed indicated that I was not the only one thinking along the same lines....

Go Kansas!!

For once I can say that I had it right!!! SWEET!!!

Many of you may remember that at the beginning of March, I placed my kiss of death on the Kansas Jayhawks by picking them to win this years NCAA National Championship. This year, my kiss of death turned out to be the Kiss of Victory as they ended up beating the Memphis Tigers 75-68 in O.T. I think my luck is turning around. Alright who wants me to pick the next champion?

Play Ball!!!!

And I'm not talking about the baseball season coming up...

It's that time of year again. The time when a bunch of alcoholics drink a lot of balls and kick some beer. Or is it drink some balls and kick a lot of beer. Whatever it is, it's kickball season again and I have joined another team. While I am not too thrilled with the chosen shirt color (Heliconia Pink), I do like our team name: ALCOHOLICS UNANIMOUS. Tonight we are having a meet and greet and will practicing our flip cup / beer drinking skills... oh what fun this is going to be.

Stay tuned for weekly updates on the drunken stories of red balls, cold beer, and messy clothing. I may give you some game updates too.

March Madness

It's that time of year everyone, time for everyone that likes sports to take a stab at trying to say that they knew who the college basketball champs are going to be.

Fill out your brackets everyone and let's see how wrong we all are.

My kiss of death this year goes to Kansas. Let's hope I am wrong and I can win some cash.

I hope she gets a twitch....

and takes a bite....

The other day, I went out with a female friend of mine that I had known since my senior in high school. When Recon Man asked what I was up to. Here is the exchange that followed:

Me: I'm heading out with OHSF (Old High School Friend for the anagram challenged)
RM: You @#$% her yet.
Me: No, I told you before. We are friends, that is it, that is all it'll ever be.
RM: You need to get on that.
Me: No we are friends.
RM: When's the last time you got some?
Me: ___ ago.
RM: How much did she cost you?
Me: @#$% You!!
RM: HAHA
Me: I hope you get none tonight!
RM: HAHA
Me: I hope she is on her period tonight!
RM: She is, but I'll still some if you know what I mean.
Me: @#$% You!!
RM: HAHA
Me: I hope she gets a twitch and take a bite out of your @#$%!

Asshole!!! HAHA!!!

I'm such a dork

Sip. Step. Step. Sip. Step. Step. Sip. Step. Step.

Yesterday, I did one of my spontaneous actions that got a slight laugh out of my co-workers.

I had just made a cup of JP Mocha (hot chocolate and coffee) and was walking towards my desk. Since I filled the cup to the brim, and I didn't want it spilling. I would take 2 steps, stop, and then take a sip. I then followed with 2 more steps, stopping, and taking a sip. I did this whole routine through 6 sips.

After my 2 sip, I just so happened to walk past a co-workers desk and he was noticing my routine. This is the conversation that followed.

Co-Worker: That coffee must be amazing! You can't go 2 steps without taking a sip.

No: Actually, the coffee is ok. I just wanted to show you that I have My Drink N My Two Step. Now I'm gonna go home, get the Patron, and tell em it's on.

Gawd, I can be such a dork sometimes......

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Listening to: Cassidy - My Drink N' My 2 Step
via FoxyTunes

I really should be working, but I need a break

So it's time for some photobucket fun.

Photobucket Fun!
1) Answer the questions below.
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket or Google Images.
3) Take a picture from the first page of results and post.
4) You can't copy the persons answers who posted this before you!

1. The Age you will be on your next birthday.
2. A place you would like to visit.
3. Your favorite place to be.
4. Your favorite object.
5. Your favorite food.
6. Your favorite animal.
7. Your favorite color.
8. The town you were born.
9. The town where you live now.
10. The name of a past pet.
11. First name of a past love.
12. Nickname / screen name.
13. Your middle name.
14. Your last name.
15. A bad habit you have.
16. Your first job.

VEGAS BABY!!!

I'm so excited, I can't even think of a secondary title.

I'm going to Vegas Baby and I think my cabin fever will be cured (at least for a month).

One of my favorite bloggers invited me to join a Vegas trip that they are taking, and I jumped at the opportunity. I really can't express to you how excited I am.

I will be flying out first thing this coming Saturday and will be returning early Tuesday morning. Apparently the plans are to go to an ALL YOU CAN drink bar and then hitting a strip club afterwards. I am also supposed to find out if I can hold my liquor, unless my friend is talking about someone else.

I will tell all the stories as soon as I get back, if I can remember them.

How Lame Am I?

Decide for yourself.

I got tagged to do this survey.
There are rules: I cannot repeat anything the other survey taker said and I have to list "5 things that I do, did or like that I’m proud of, but that others may think are totally lame". Plus, I get to tag 5 people to do the same.

1. I Love Spanish olives with the pimento in the center. I've bought a large jar at the grocery store before and over the next week/ten days, eaten every single one, one by one, straight out of the jar.
   
2. I was on the tennis team and swim team in high school. In my junior, if I hadn't talked to the athletic director of the high school, there would not of been a tennis team at all.
   
3. I have complete conversations in my sleep with myself. When I was younger, my friends mom thought there were 2 other people in the room because I changed voices while I was talking to portray different characters.
4. Before the age of 28, the only liquor to ever touch my lips was Peppermint Schnapps and that was only once when I was 10.
5. I have a logo that I used to use when I was heavily into art. Someday soon, I am going to get that logo tattooed on my left arm somewhere. I have even thought about getting it trademarked.
   

I hereby tag: Imogen's Mom, DC, Nic, Charmed, Kitten

I'm an idiot.

Most of you already knew that....

Every 7-11 has them. Whether they are Indian, Chinese, Japanese, or one of the other "eses". You can't get away from seeing one at the next 7-11. At the one I went to yesterday, the people there were a mixture of Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean, and Filipino.

The new promotional/new item they are selling is Eggrolls and they are selling them 2 for $3. Like every chain, there is a competition to sell the most of something, and today was eggroll day.

I am not a big eggroll fan. Never have, probably never will, but still they had to sell them to me.

Here is the conversation as it goes, while I am standing over the hot dog / eggroll cooker ....

Employee #1: You want eggroll?
JP: No thanks, but I'd like to have 2 quarter pound big bites please.
Employee #1: Ok I get you hot dog (and begins to get my order)
Employee #2 (who snuck up behind me): You want eggroll?
JP: I'm good thank you. I'm not a big eggroll fan.
Employee #2: *Gasp* Everyone like eggroll.
JP: Everyone cept me. (Employee #1 hands me my order at this time)
Employee #1: You sure you no want eggroll.
JP: I'm sure, thank you though. (I then proceed to counter to pay)
Employee #3 (at counter): Will that be all? You want eggroll?
JP: Haha no thanks...
Employee #3: You sure, eggroll is good.
JP (In my worst Chinese voice): I NO LIKE EGGROLL!!

I'm an idiot.

I think Employee #1 had gotten a broom at and had intentions of doing inventive things with the handle of the broom stick at that point.

Needless to say, I paid for my hot dogs and left pretty quickly.

Trash Part 2

Q: What do you get when you bring the trash out of the trailer park?
A: Trash with Class.

(The Ambiguous Blob this is just for you)

Another lunch break another trash siting. This time I was in a mall, eating my Chik-Fil-A club sammich minding my own business when it happened.

Imagine if you will, a woman in her early 60's, 5'3 tall, a cane in one hand, a purse in the other. Now imagine her with the perkiest set of tits you've ever seen in your life. I swear this lady must of just gotten a boob job. Wrinkles everywhere except for the two flesh mounds on her chest.

And how do I know this? She was wearing one of the those low cut, cleavage wearing shirts, that I love seeing at the bar on a 20-30 year old, but not on a mall shopping Martha Stewart.

As my eyes followed her across the room, I could not believe it...

P.S. From the response that I got from my first trash story, there will be many more to come. Simply because, lets be honest, whether you are white, black, hispanic, asian, or blacktino, there is a little white trash in all of us.

My Blogging Addiction

74%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

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John it is...

And I thought I was being creative.

After two weeks of voting, the polls have closed and it was a landslide. Much to my chagrin, My favorite nickname was thoroughly defeated by a whopping 5 votes. So from this day forward, I will address myself as John.

I will not however change my blog title. You don't like it you can kiss my natural "I may be white, but I'm not black" ass!!

Now for the next poll question.....

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I was Tagged

I am doing this, yet I don't know why...

TAG! The rules are: Once you have been tagged, you write a blog with ten, weird, random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end you choose 10 people to be tagged, list their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave a comment that says, "You are tagged" and tell them to read your latest blog.

1. I shave only once a week (on Sundays) simply because I like to have the scruff look on Fridays and Saturdays.
2. I’m older than one of my uncle’s. How scary is that.
3. I once brought 4 can of green beans with me on a trip to Jamaica and ate all of them right out of the can.
4. I have had my bed for 5 years now and have only slept on it for a year.
5. I was married for 15 months. She was married for 4.
6. I refuse to ever go through a McDonalds drive through again. They always take too long and never get it right. Hell I don’t know why I even still eat there.
7. I have deleted my MySpace page 3 times. I have decided I will not make it 5.
8. Tequila is my friend, Vodka is my frienemy, and I think water hates me.
9. I order 2 things when I go to restaurants. Steak or Hamburgers. I will get one or the other in some fashion or another.
10. I bob my head when I am making a joke (TY Maria)
    

As for who's next...

1. Maria, because I want to see if there is something I don’t know.
2. Jackie, there has got to be something she hasn’t told me yet.
3. Sarah G, because I read her blog all the time, bout time she read mine.
4. Dezi, maybe it’ll give her something to do.
5. Sierra, cause I know she has no time on her hand to do this.
6. Sarah W., she gets real bored sometimes and she may actually do this.
7. Casey, She’s got to have something to do cause work always sucks
8. Whitney, she thinks she so smart, I don’t think she can come up with 10 things.
9. Amanda, it’s been so long since I’ve seen her. Somethings have got to have changed since she was playing with barbies in her bedroom
10. Paul cause I have to get at least one guy to do this.
    

A Poll of Importance

Who should I be?

For those that may be interested in voting, I have posted a poll off to the left of what the best nickname I have is.

I guess I'm really bored.

That or I am a huge nerd and I have nothing better to do than ask a stupid poll question. (That may be my next poll question, depending on the popularity of the one I have now).

So vote once and if you can vote twice.